New beginnings

I will no longer be posting on this blog. I have started a new one at http://thistreasureinjarofclay.blogspot.com/ . Hope to see you over there! :-)
-Becca

Sit down!

I find it ironic that every time I refuse to stop, God has a way of putting me on my butt. Last August, when I was put on a 5150, the intake social worker fudged the paperwork to get me in. I didn't know this until afterwards, when I saw the papers that said I had a plan to hang myself. What?! I had no plan and if I did, that is DEFINITELY not the way I'd go! But apparently, to "qualify", I needed a plan, so she made one for me. I remember laying my head on the bench in the intake room of the mental hospital, with the sunlight streaming in that window and feeling so very, very tired. And as I laid there, I was so incredibly relieved that everything had stopped. I wasn't allowed to have my phone, so there was no texting, no facebook, no emails, no phone calls. There were no children clamoring for my attention, no people in need to be helped, no husband to be taken care of. I didn't have to worry about what we were going to have for dinner, or whether the house was clean enough, or whether the kids had done their homework. It was quiet. For three days, life stopped. I slept. I journalled and I played lots and lots of Rummy. Looking back at it now, I wonder, if I had stopped myself, if I had taken the time to relax, if I had shut off my phone, got a sitter for the kids and ordered take out, would I have ended up where I was? I don't know. There were many other things going on at the time that contributed to my mental illness, but I do wonder.
A few months later, I started developing tremors that turned into spasms that turned into convulsions that landed me in the hospital for a week. Again, life stopped. I was parked in a bed for a week! My meals were brought to me and I had no responsibilities other than getting well. Stress seizures, they told me. Stress seizures?! Stress parked me on my butt in the hospital for a week?! Again, had I stopped, had I turned off my phone, hired a sitter and ordered take out, would I have ended up in the hospital? In this case, I think yes, because my stress was of a nature other than just being busy. I had some personal issues I needed to take care of, but had I taken the time to slow down and deal with them, perhaps God wouldn't have needed to plop me on my butt in a hospital room. Perhaps, but who really knows?
Now I'm facing a suspended license. I pushed and pushed and pushed myself over the last month, to the point that I couldn't stop. I kept saying I would, but every time I tried, something would come up and I wouldn't say no. Then, out of the blue, I found out that I am not legal to drive for another MONTH!! What?! Suddenly, my calendar is wiped nearly clean because I have no way to fulfill the commitments I made without a car and I am, once again, parked on my butt.
As frustrating as it is, I see God's love in this. I don't know why I'm so stubborn and didn't learn my lesson the first or second time. Perhaps this third time, it will take. After all, this time, I'll have a whole MONTH to think about it, lol! There is something heartwarming for me, in looking back over my life, not just this last year, but over my life as a whole, and seeing how time and time and time again, God stepped in to protect me from myself. I am incredibly grateful to Him for that, thankful for His watchful eyes over me.
And now, off to pump up my bike tires :-).

Rest

I'm standing all alone in the middle of nowhere. The sun is beating down on me and the ground underneath me is parched, with deep cracks in it. I'm standing strong as the heat and the wind beat about me, but I'm tired. So very, very tired. I'm standing tall, but I feel as if at any moment I am going to fall. My legs are shaking and I'm exhausted. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, He comes. I can't see His face, but I know it's Him. He's big and soft and oozes warmth and peace and kindness. I fall into His arms, bury my face in His chest and cry. We share no words. I just stand there, supported by His love and I feel His strength pouring back into my veins. I know it's still hot and parched all around me, and I know there will come a time again soon when I will have to stand strong, but right now I am a pile of mush in my Daddy's arms and I savor it. I breathe in deeply, thankful that right now, He's carrying it all and I rest.

WOW! I don't even know where to start, or how to word what it is that is going through my head right now. I'm sitting here, staring at the computer not knowing what to say because tonight, I made a life-changing realization. It's funny because it's one of those things that I probably would have told you I knew before tonight, but tonight the reality of it hit me and I'm sitting here feeling light, and free, and, well, sort of unsure of what to do with myself without the heaviness of the burden that has been weighing me down for the last two years. Let me see if I can explain.
I am naturally co-dependent. It requires effort on my part to not feel responsible for other people's feelings and for the circumstances of their lives. However, I usually make a conscious effort to remind myself that I am not responsible for other people's happiness and do not allow their unhappiness to ruin my life. For some reason, however, I missed it in one of my friendships. I just didn't see it! I took upon myself my friend's happiness and set out on the roller coaster ride of my life! We'll call this friend Hank for the purposes of this blog because I don't actually know any Hanks in real life. Oh, wait, yes I do, but he's just an acquaintance that I see only every few months, so you can rest assured that I'm not actually talking about Hank. Or maybe I should call her Sophie. Why Sophie? Well, I don't know. Why not?
For two years, when Sophie (aka Hank) was happy, I felt content and happy and satisfied. When she was upset, angry, lonely or sad, I felt responsible, down in the dumps, inferior and a failure. I cannot tell you what it was about tonight that made me finally see that her loneliness/unhappiness is not my burden to bear, but for some reason, the blinders just fell off my eyes and I became aware of the fact that HER choices that have led her to where she is now and I cannot change those, nor can I live her life for her. She decides if she wants to get close to other people or would rather isolate herself in her work and ministry. She decides if she wants to spend her evenings alone or with friends. She decides if she wants to trust others and open up or guard everything she has close to her chest. I cannot change her, and I cannot cure her loneliness no matter how hard I try because her loneliness is of her own making. I will always be her friend, but I've finally realized that I CANNOT be her savior and what a freeing realization that is!

New Beginnings

An unexpected result of recovery has taken place in me. It has created a certain restlessness, a searching for something, anything to occupy my mind and my time. For the last year, I have been attempting to survive, to make it through the day, to talk myself into living. I had no healthy dreams and no goals. My mind was so trapped in unhealthy thought patterns.

Now, as I heal, I find the obsessive thoughts calming down, and the desire to really LIVE again rising to the surface. With this comes a sense of bewilderment, of loss, because I don't really know what to do with myself. I have energy. I have time. I have dreams. I have interests, but all of these seem foreign to me and I'm not sure what to do with them right now. I want to go somewhere, to do something, but I don't know which direction I'm heading!
So for now, I'm pursuing the interests I know are real and genuine, like my desire to learn sign language. I'm diving into that, signing every chance I get, carrying my flash cards in my purse and signing to the kids when I know the signs of the words I'm speaking. I have no idea why God has placed this desire to learn in my heart, but it's strong and has been building over time, so I'm going with it :-). We shall see how He chooses to use it.
I'm also looking for social outlets. Church in the Park was my life for the last two years and while I still am incredibly passionate about CITP, and throw myself into it every chance I get, I am no longer in leadership there. I stepped down from clothing when I got sick and have opted not to take back my position in clothing because I feel God leading me to serve in other areas of Church in the Park. The fall back of that decision, however, is that my work in clothing provided me with my mid-week social contacts, when we sorted clothes, and when I did clothing pickups. Now I need to find another way to fill my need for social contact. I'm hoping to join a mid-week Bible study at either Big Valley Grace or Shelter Cove, but I'm not sure yet.
Right now, the world is my oyster, so many opportunities to choose from. Life is exciting and inviting and full of joy and beauty. Praise the Lord for second chances!

WOW! I came on here today because I wanted to type a new blog post, and instead ended up reading my last two posts. I sit here in awe because I was feeling really frustrated that I had slid back some, back into my anxiety over the last week, but then I read those posts and realized how far I have come in the last month and I can't help praising God for His goodness and faithfulness! I can't believe that only a month ago, my body was still giving me fits and I was unable to drive. Today, I don't give a second thought to whether or not I'll be able to walk, or whether I will go into a seizure. I am completely med free (except for a sleeping pill I took last night and the night before), and even though my depression and anxiety are still a huge part of my life, I am functional and can shove them aside for awhile when life demands it. Yesterday, I realized that a feeling I used to have regularly had returned. I don't know if I can describe it well enough for all of you to understand, but it's a feeling of restrained laughter, that at any moment, the laughter that is welling up inside my chest will come out in a full on burst of giggles :-).
It's funny, really, to look back over the last year and a half. If I had met me a year ago, I would think of myself as a very sad and depressed person, but truly, at my core, I am not. I love life with everything in me. But this year, the pain, guilt, shame and stress of life piled up on me so heavily that the laughter that lives inside of me got smothered. It is so nice to throw off the bricks of depression one or two at a time and give that joy some air again!

The flip side

I'd like to sit in my quagmire of anger and depression. Not sure why exactly. What the appeal of that is. Perhaps I feel entitled to a pity party for myself. Perhaps I just don't want to muster the strength it takes to reshape my thoughts. But whatever the case may be, there comes a moment when it is time for me to put on my big girl panties and get moving again.
Today, I physically can't. My body is reeking havoc on me, and mentally, it was a doozy of a day too. I just didn't want to go on. What was the point? But I have decided to look at the good that this illness has brought, because as much as I don't want to admit it, it has come with some decidedly good things.
First, it has brought our family together. Because I can't go anywhere without someone taking me, we have had to do a lot more as a family than we used to and this has already allowed for a couple of really good memories already. Because I can't drive, we have to go everywhere in one car, creating more family time with all four of us.
Secondly, in our marriage, it has reinforced the knowledge I had that Jason will stick by me through thick and thin. The man has been tender and loving and incredibly supportive and I know he loves me unconditionally.

Thirdly, we have reached our family medical deductible so all medical expenses from here on out are fully covered, LOL!! No more stress in that regard :-).
Fourthly, I have learned to cherish the little moments I get with the kids. Instead of stressing about getting them to bed, getting the dishes done, etc, Jason gets to stress about that (just kidding), and I get to value the few minutes I get to snuggle with them in bed, to stroke their faces and let them know how much they mean to me.
Fifthly, (and I struggle with this blessing still), this illness is teaching me to look at my life, keep what is important, uplifting and wholesome and get rid of the activities and relationships that didn't need to be there. I struggle with this one daily because I like things to be "normal" and when the apple cart gets upset, it is challenging for me put back the pieces, but good definitely does not mean painless, so this one goes on my "good" list.
Sixthly, past friends have come out of the woodwork and old friendships have been renewed. Blessings that were there all along, but just hiding around the corner.
Seventhly, my larger family, as in my sisters, brothers and parents, has show way more support than I would have ever deemed possible! I have been very loved and supported.
I could go on, but my body's getting mad at me for sitting up for so long so I must go lay down. Until next time :-).