Don't leave!

Mental illness is definitely a journey of ups and downs, successes and failures, joy and heartache. I often heard that people with mental illness get on medication, feel better and so decide to go off the medications and relapse. I never understood that. Why would someone go off the medications that were making them feel well?
Now I understand. First of all, most medications have side effects and sometimes those side effects can seem worse than the original problem. Second, at least in my case, once I started to feel better, I forgot how bad things were in the beginning, in my pre-medication days. I knew I became suicidal, but I thought that might have been due to circumstances, or hormones, or other such things. I forgot what it was like to live with a fog in my head most of the time. I forgot what it was like to not be able to take myself seriously. I forgot what it was like to strain my friendships to the point that some of them broke because I was not a healthy, functional friend.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have all of my adult life and have finally realized that this is due in large part to a chemical imbalance in my brain. I was put on medication and started doing much better. I am weaning off the medication and struggling again immensely. Why wean off then? In my case, it's because the side effects of the medication I was on (Effexor) at the doses I needed were not something I wanted to live with for the rest of my life. I am weaning off Effexor and trying Pristiq instead. We shall see what happens with that. I am hoping and praying for good results.
To those of you who are reading this who are my friends and my family, those of you who are walking beside me through this, I know it's a drag. I know it stinks when I always need you, when day after day after day after day, I call or text you in tears. I know it can be burdensome when I'm constantly asking for prayers, but I need you right now. There will come a time when I will be back on my feet and I will be able to be there for you. If the medicine works as we hope, that will only be a couple weeks from now. But today, I'm sick. I know that the texts/emails/facebook posts may seem like attention seeking and maybe sometimes they are, but to be honest, I put them out because I'm scared. It's dark in here, in my head, and I need you to tell me that it's going to be ok. I need you to remind me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I need to know, repeatedly, time after time after time, that when I get to the end of the tunnel and the light is shining again, I won't be standing there alone because you are willing to stick through this with me.
I don't like me right now. I don't like living in this head of mine and trust me when I say that if I could change it, I would. But I can't. There is nothing I can do to speed up this process. So please, stick by me. Understand that the real me, the healthy me will be back and please don't leave.

Three days!!

It has been three days today since I have had a suicidal thought. While that may not seem like long at all, to me it is monumental! It gives me hope. I'm still tired and have very dark circles under my eyes, but my head is relatively clear and my heart doesn't constantly hurt. I do not feel like I am always fighting with myself, trying to overcome the suffocating darkness of depression. And for two nights now, I have slept without the aid of sleeping pills and have slept the entire night through. Another huge deal for me!
What I have found interesting, however, is that as my depression has started to lift, my anxiety has not. My hands still shake almost constantly. My jaw is clenched and my head has a dull ache. I think part of that is because I am mentally stealing myself again another crash, another meltdown, another drop back into the darkness. If this anxiety does not let up, I will definitely bring it up to the psychiatrist on the 13th when I see her again. But I'm also clinging to a quote I read from Neil Anderson. He wrote: "Fear of anything other than God is mutually exclusive to faith in God." God has faithfully brought me through this journey to this point and whether there are more dark times ahead or not, I know that God will continue to walk beside me and carry me through.

Victory over the Darkness

A friend of mine recommended a book for me to read. It's called Victory over the Darkness, by Neil T. Anderson. One of the problems I've been very aware of in my life is that my life does not reflect the peace and joy one would expect from someone who truly believes what the Bible says. I think this is due in large part to the fact that even though, or maybe because, I have spent all 33 years of my life in the church, reading my Bible and memorizing verses, I am actually confused about what exactly the Bible teaches. Many times, I will think "I'm saved by grace. Can't earn it. But if I mess up repeatedly, a lightning bolt will come down from heaven and zap me into oblivion." or "Jesus saved me, which means I shouldn't have anymore weaknesses. I am fully aware of the fact that I'm messed up, which means I must not really love God as much as I say I do. So I must be a fraud." And I become confused about who I really am, who God is, and what His view is of me.
At the end of the first chapter of Victory over the Darkness, Neil Anderson lists a plethora of verses dealing with who I am in Christ. I looked each and everyone of them up and have, in the last hour and a half, received more healing than I have in the 6 therapy sessions I have had to date. If you are struggling to remember who you are in Christ, here's the list:
http://www.ficm.org/index.php?command=textwhoamiinchrist
I would encourage you to take the time to read through them. If you click on the reference on the site above, it will take you straight to the verse. You don't even have to own a Bible to do this. It takes awhile, but it's definitely worth an hour of your time.