Sit down!

I find it ironic that every time I refuse to stop, God has a way of putting me on my butt. Last August, when I was put on a 5150, the intake social worker fudged the paperwork to get me in. I didn't know this until afterwards, when I saw the papers that said I had a plan to hang myself. What?! I had no plan and if I did, that is DEFINITELY not the way I'd go! But apparently, to "qualify", I needed a plan, so she made one for me. I remember laying my head on the bench in the intake room of the mental hospital, with the sunlight streaming in that window and feeling so very, very tired. And as I laid there, I was so incredibly relieved that everything had stopped. I wasn't allowed to have my phone, so there was no texting, no facebook, no emails, no phone calls. There were no children clamoring for my attention, no people in need to be helped, no husband to be taken care of. I didn't have to worry about what we were going to have for dinner, or whether the house was clean enough, or whether the kids had done their homework. It was quiet. For three days, life stopped. I slept. I journalled and I played lots and lots of Rummy. Looking back at it now, I wonder, if I had stopped myself, if I had taken the time to relax, if I had shut off my phone, got a sitter for the kids and ordered take out, would I have ended up where I was? I don't know. There were many other things going on at the time that contributed to my mental illness, but I do wonder.
A few months later, I started developing tremors that turned into spasms that turned into convulsions that landed me in the hospital for a week. Again, life stopped. I was parked in a bed for a week! My meals were brought to me and I had no responsibilities other than getting well. Stress seizures, they told me. Stress seizures?! Stress parked me on my butt in the hospital for a week?! Again, had I stopped, had I turned off my phone, hired a sitter and ordered take out, would I have ended up in the hospital? In this case, I think yes, because my stress was of a nature other than just being busy. I had some personal issues I needed to take care of, but had I taken the time to slow down and deal with them, perhaps God wouldn't have needed to plop me on my butt in a hospital room. Perhaps, but who really knows?
Now I'm facing a suspended license. I pushed and pushed and pushed myself over the last month, to the point that I couldn't stop. I kept saying I would, but every time I tried, something would come up and I wouldn't say no. Then, out of the blue, I found out that I am not legal to drive for another MONTH!! What?! Suddenly, my calendar is wiped nearly clean because I have no way to fulfill the commitments I made without a car and I am, once again, parked on my butt.
As frustrating as it is, I see God's love in this. I don't know why I'm so stubborn and didn't learn my lesson the first or second time. Perhaps this third time, it will take. After all, this time, I'll have a whole MONTH to think about it, lol! There is something heartwarming for me, in looking back over my life, not just this last year, but over my life as a whole, and seeing how time and time and time again, God stepped in to protect me from myself. I am incredibly grateful to Him for that, thankful for His watchful eyes over me.
And now, off to pump up my bike tires :-).