Olive Garden interview

I had a great interview at Olive Garden this afternoon! Well, interviewS actually. I got to the restaurant a few minutes early and waited for the manager to come out. While I was waiting, I was tried really hard not to look too nervous so I grabbed the only thing within arms reach to read. Did you know that Olive Garden's desserts have a heck of a lot of calories in them? A heck of alot!! But, oh do those pictures look delicious! But I digress. Back to the interview.
As I waited, the music overhead started playing "It's a new day, it's a new dawn, it's a new life!" and I had to smile because it is, indeed, a new day in my life. A new day of change, and hope and, well, something other than taking care of children and cleaning the house! The manager came out and started asking me questions. Normal, run of the mill interview questions, like why do you want to work here? What experience do you have? What days are you available, that kind of thing. She was very friendly and I quickly relaxed. As she was asking the questions, she kept slipping. She would say things like: "You will...I mean, if you are hired, you will..." It made me feel good because she was already seeing me as having been hired. When she finished her questions, she said that normally, they would schedule me to come back for another interview with the general manager, but she wanted to see if he would see me right away instead. I waited awhile, then she came out and said Felip was going to give me a tour of the place and that I could ask him any questions I wanted. I didn't know this was part of the application process. It seemed more like orientation to me, but I found out afterwards that he was filling out a questionnaire on me, about how I responded to the tour. Nice! I'm glad I asked a lot of questions, because I saw one of the answers he put was that my questions indicated I knew what I was talking about. Haha! Who knew my head full of endless questions would pay off?!
I waited quite awhile after the tour and finally the general manager came to talk to me. Boy was I nervous! The man didn't crack a smile. I was so intimidated I kept stumbling over my words. At one point, he said: "What are you doing right now?" I looked at him kind of funny, laughed and before I could catch myself, out came the sarcasm. "Um, interviewing with you! Ooooh, you mean job-wise? I've been a homemaker for 8 years and I'm ready to get back in the workplace, now that my kids are older and in school." Still, no smile. GULP. Darn sarcastic streak! Then he asked me how long I'd worked at Ruby Tuesdays (8 months) and Chilis (a year and a half). He asked me which one I liked better and why. I said Chilis because they had better teamwork and then again, open mouth, insert foot, because the managers at Chilis knew how to do business but have fun, but the manager at Ruby Tuesdays was really crabby. One of those "oops. I didn't actually say that, did I?" moments. He finished asking me questions, then said that he had two transfers that he needed to deal with, and that he needed to see how much of a need for servers they actually had because business wasn't up as much as he expected. But then he said: "We would really like to hire you on. You have a good personality. If our numbers allow it, we will hire you, but if not, we will get you in the next batch of servers we hire." Then he said: "It was nice meeting you.", actually SMILED and said: "and I'm not crabby all that often." Hahaha! Oh, my! I was so relieved!! So, he said if I don't hear from him by next Wednesday, they didn't have a need for another server, but if they do have a need, I will probably hear from them before then.

Blessings

I would like to share with you my weekend because God filled it with blessings from my friends and family.
Friday was a rough day for me. I spent four and a half hours at the storage, and in addition to the labor of sorting clothes, I had to deal with some interpersonal challenges amongst the volunteers. I came home exhausted! I honestly don't remember what happened the rest of the day. I was so fried! I do remember texting Christina and telling her that I REALLY needed some time with her the next day, to save whatever was left of my sanity. Saturday morning, Jason saw that we needed some special family time and took the kids and me to brunch at Black Bear Diner. Then Jason and James went off to run errands while Gabby and I went over to the McVays. When we got there, they were just about to go out and get their Christmas tree. I felt really bad because we were interfering with family time, but they didn't seem to mind in the least and just asked us if we wanted to come along! So Gabby and I were adopted in the McVay family for the afternoon and went Christmas tree shopping, followed by Christmas tree decorating. Then off to church in the evening.
After church Saturday night, I opened the kitchen cupboard to discover that Jason and the kids had eaten the last of the chocolate chips. A mild annoyance on a normal day, but on a bad day in a bad PMS month, it was tragic! I was literally begging God as I searched from cupboard to cupboard for any sort of chocolate I could find (sorry, men, but there is simply no way to describe what it feels like to be a pmsing woman with no access to chocolate). When I texted Sonja and informed her of my plight, she was very understanding. She asked me what my favorite chocolate is (Health bar/Almond Roca for those of you who care for future reference ;-).) Then I found some chocolate in the fridge and my crisis was averted.
Sunday morning, I was dragging. Really dragging. The days we do clothing at CITP are long and hard and I really wasn't in the mood. I got to the storage and Sonja greeted me WITH A HEATH BAR!!!!! I literally jumped up and down and then I cried. Yes. I cried over chocolate, but more over the fact that she loved me enough to take note of what I liked and that it mattered to her that I was having a rough time. She said she needed me sane to do the clothes :-). Whatever her reasoning, I was SO thankful for her at that moment!
Then we got to the park and I was approached by the husband of a good friend, whom I also love dearly, and he apologized for something that I had witnessed. I am telling you, again, I was choking back the tears because he didn't owe me an apology. He had done nothing to me. But there is something about a man being humble enough to realize when he's made a mistake and not only realize it but admit it to others, that I find incredibly moving.
During the service, a good friend got up to the mike and publicly apologized to his step-daughter for forgetting to mention her in his sermon a couple weeks back when he was naming off his blessings. Again, out came the tears.
Fathers, a word to you. There are very few things that mean more to a girl than to know that her daddy loves her and is proud of her. Please don't assume that she knows. Take the time to tell her, and admit when you're wrong. It won't make her think any less of you. Quite the contrary. She will be so proud to call you Dad. And at that moment at Beard Brook Park, I was incredibly proud to call Brian McVay my brother and friend because he swallowed his pride and did what was best for his daughter!
Sunday evening, we got home from the park and I was exhausted. I just laid on my bed doing nothing but texting until it was time to make dinner, at which point JAMES asked if he could cook dinner while I rested. Praise the Lord for an amazing little boy!
This morning, I slept through an hour of my alarm!! I have it set on radio, but wasn't even aware it went off until 15 minutes before I had to leave to get the kids to school! Jason had left early on a business trip and the kids were trying to let me sleep, bless their hearts! I came out to see Gabby trying to slice bread with a butter knife for her breakfast :-). Normally, my children, especially Gabby, hate being rushed. They will cry and complain when we tell them to hurry. Not this morning, though. They hurried through their morning preparations and made it to school on time. I was floored!
I did the dishes and vacuumed and then sat down to rest and watch tv. I didn't even send out a single text until 1pm today!! For those of you who know me well, you know that is quite the feat. But I needed the down time, the time away from the world for a bit. And when I did start texting, it did not go well. I got into a heated argument with one of my best friends. I was really worked up and went on a tirade. I was hurt and angry and bitter and took it out on him. But the thing is, he heard me and I heard him and we worked it out, because honestly, that's what good friends do. I walked away from that argument feeling more loved than I had in a long time.
Then Jason called me and I could tell he was exhausted from a day of bargaining, and from being up since 4:30, but he insisted that I could talk to him and vent to him as long as I needed to. God bless that man!
So that was my weekend. Definitely not an easy weekend to say the least, but I came out of it with the certainty that I am well loved and incredibly blessed! Thank you to all of you for making this world a better place.

I'm especially fond of that one!

I recently read "The Shack" by William P. Young. I know this book is extremely controversial in Christian circles, but bear with me. I view this book as a piece of fiction that makes me think of God outside the box. It is not Scripture and therefore not infallible, but it does make me think.
I'm going to be brutally honest here and reveal more of my imperfections. Thank you, Lord, for your grace! So here we go.
I am a very jealous person. I think that comes from my insecurities. I like to have a few REALLY good friends, and I like to be the world to those friends. I want to be number two in their lives, maybe number three or four if they are married or have kids, but honestly, I want to be all important. When I befriend someone, they become my world, second only to God and my family, and my life revolves around them. Not necessarily the healthiest lifestyle on the planet, but that is me. Over the course of this year, I developed two of those friendships. Tight, tight friendships, at least in my mind, and they became my world. When they were happy with me, I was on cloud nine. When they were displeased with me, my world was dark and gloomy. And I truly believe that I elevated them to idol status in my life.
In the weeks leading up to my stay at the funny farm, I lost both of those friendships within a matter of a couple weeks and it tore me up. They were my reason for living and they were gone. I lost my hope and my desire to live. I firmly believe that God tore them out of my life to show me where my priorities really needed to be, to put me back in line with Him.
I found myself upset this morning, annoyed and feeling that unpleasant sensation of jealousy. One of my friendships had been going really well, had been really fun, full of laughter and good times and then I found out that this person had been having good times with several other people as well. Now I told you guys this would be one of those brutally honest posts. I'm not proud of how petty and childish I can be at times, but this is the real me, the one who is desperately in need of God's mercy and grace to be worth anything. See, I thought, since we were having such good times, that I was worth more because that person cherished me more, enjoyed me more than their other friends. As long as I was happy, and joking and a "fun" friend, I was worth a lot. I was worth more than others. Come to find out, I'm not something special. I'm just me.
As I was driving, thinking about these things, I remembered a passage in the Shack that I really liked. The "She" in this passage refers to God. It reads:

"'Is he your favorite? Bruce, I mean?'
She stopped and looked at him. 'Mackenzie, I have no favorites; I am just especially fond of him.'
'You seem to be especially fond of a lot of people', Mack observed with a suspicious look. 'Are there any who you are not especially fond of?'
She lifted her head and rolled her eyes as if she were mentally going through the catalog of every being ever created. 'Nope, I haven't been able to find any. Guess that's jes' the way I is.'"

"I'm especially fond of you."
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as DEARLY LOVED children" Ephesians 5:1.
As I thought about this, I realized that what people think of me, what "status" I take in people's lives does not affect my value in the least. Because, see, God loves me. Not only does He love me, He DEARLY loves me. I am His CHILD, and nothing can change that. I have value because Christ bought me with His blood. In His eyes, I was worth His LIFE! The life of the SON OF GOD!!! So whether my friends, family, spouse or anyone else think well of me or not, my value doesn't change one bit.
I will still struggle with jealousy because I have my entire life and things like this don't disappear overnight. But next time it rears its ugly head, I will remind myself where my value lies, and thank God for the friendships I have, enjoy them when I can, and let them go when I need to because they are no longer my reason for being.

PMS

I was going to say that today wasn't a good day, but I caught myself because I don't think there is such a thing as a "bad" day or a "good" day. There are days that are easy and days that are hard, but all days are good because we are alive and we are loved by the King Eternal, who works everything for our good. So no, today was not a bad day, but today was not an enjoyable day.
I'm tired. Not sleepy tired. Just life tired. I'm tired of feeling insecure. I'm tired of feeling angry. I'm tired of feeling like I'm about to break into tears all day long, but don't. I know what's going on. I know why I feel the way I do, but it's still frustrating. The physical component is especially frustrating because there is nothing I can do about it. I get terrible PMS, which is why I went on the pill back in April, only to remember in August, just before heading to the looney bin, that the pill has made me suicidal every single time I've taken it in the past. So I sit here hormone-pill free, and free of suicidal thoughts (thank you, Lord!), but the resulting physical pain and emotional drain is, like I said, frustrating. I suppose I should go back to the doctor and see if I have any other options to address this, but I'm SO sick of doctors and tests and medications. I should go though, while we still have insurance.
Anyway, when I don't feel well, I fall into the emotional trap of feeling like I'm worthless, like I'm not valuable as a wife/mother/friend. I know this will pass in a couple days and things will look up so I try not to take myself too seriously. And when I start telling myself that people will leave me because I'm tired/grumpy/moody/lazy/all of the above, I remind myself that I have the most incredible friends and family who stood by my side when I lost my mind and who will stand by my side and maybe even bring me chocolate when I feel like dirt. Love you guys!

Not what I expected

If you had asked me a few months ago what I thought good mental health looked like, I probably would have told you that it was when someone was almost always happy. And when my psychiatrist put me on meds, my vision of what I would feel like if they worked was that I would be happy all of the time. When I went through the steps to freedom in Neil Anderson's book, I expected freedom to feel light and giddy and happy. This is not what I have experienced, but I have to say, I think I like real mental health even better. Here's where I'm at.
I get tired. I get crabby and even a bit irritable at times. I get angry, and hurt and sad. But I'm content. I'm at peace. Life still hurts sometimes, but the pain no longer overwhelms me. Yesterday, I had three huge moments in my day. The first one took place early, around 8am. I suffer from really bad PMS, and there are times when it takes every ounce of energy I have to drag myself out of bed because I'm just SO tired! It's hard to describe the feeling, but it's definitely not pleasant. Yesterday was one of those days. I would have loved to lay in bed all day curled up in a ball, watching movies and petting the cats, but I had things to do so I had to get up. My house was thrashed. I've been so busy the last few days that I haven't had the time or energy to keep up on the housework and it showed. I started really beating myself up, thinking about what a terrible housewife I am, that Jason deserved better, what a loser, what a poor excuse of a Christian and then I stopped. "Wait a minute. I am a child of God, loved DEARLY by Him. He doesn't love me because I keep a clean house or am full of energy, so He doesn't love me any less when my house is thrashed and I'm dragging myself around because I can barely move." The negative self-talk stopped immediately and while I was still exhausted and felt like crud, I was at peace.
Later in the day, I was helping James with his homework. Now, God has blessed that child with a very active brain and many times he asks questions I have no clue about. Yesterday was no exception. I can't even remember what he asked, but it was something I didn't comprehend well. I told him to ask Jason when he got home. "Honey, you're going to have to ask Daddy. His brain works that way. He can remember all the little stuff like that. Mommy's brain doesn't. My brain is more artsy and emotional. Neither one is better. They're just different and Mommy doesn't get that kind of stuff." I stopped for a minute because I realized that for the first time that I can remember, I truly meant that one hundred percent. I truly believed that my brain, the way God made me, was in no way inferior to anyone else. I am me. You are you. No one is better and no one is worse. We are who we are because that is who God wants us to be and again, I was at peace.
At dinner that night, I was exhausted. It had been a long day and I was really looking forward to getting the kids in bed and collapsing on the couch. We were sitting at the table and Jason looked at me and said: "You look really happy." "Huh?" I thought. "What do you mean? I am dog-tired and counting the minutes until bedtime!" But then I realized...I was content. Exhausted, feeling crappy and somewhat irritable, but content. And I praise God for that.
Thank you, Lord, for the healing you have brought. Thank you for carrying me through the storm and showing me Your tremendous love. And now I can sing with ever ounce of my being: "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart to stay!"