I recently read "The Shack" by William P. Young. I know this book is extremely controversial in Christian circles, but bear with me. I view this book as a piece of fiction that makes me think of God outside the box. It is not Scripture and therefore not infallible, but it does make me think.
I'm going to be brutally honest here and reveal more of my imperfections. Thank you, Lord, for your grace! So here we go.
I am a very jealous person. I think that comes from my insecurities. I like to have a few REALLY good friends, and I like to be the world to those friends. I want to be number two in their lives, maybe number three or four if they are married or have kids, but honestly, I want to be all important. When I befriend someone, they become my world, second only to God and my family, and my life revolves around them. Not necessarily the healthiest lifestyle on the planet, but that is me. Over the course of this year, I developed two of those friendships. Tight, tight friendships, at least in my mind, and they became my world. When they were happy with me, I was on cloud nine. When they were displeased with me, my world was dark and gloomy. And I truly believe that I elevated them to idol status in my life.
In the weeks leading up to my stay at the funny farm, I lost both of those friendships within a matter of a couple weeks and it tore me up. They were my reason for living and they were gone. I lost my hope and my desire to live. I firmly believe that God tore them out of my life to show me where my priorities really needed to be, to put me back in line with Him.
I found myself upset this morning, annoyed and feeling that unpleasant sensation of jealousy. One of my friendships had been going really well, had been really fun, full of laughter and good times and then I found out that this person had been having good times with several other people as well. Now I told you guys this would be one of those brutally honest posts. I'm not proud of how petty and childish I can be at times, but this is the real me, the one who is desperately in need of God's mercy and grace to be worth anything. See, I thought, since we were having such good times, that I was worth more because that person cherished me more, enjoyed me more than their other friends. As long as I was happy, and joking and a "fun" friend, I was worth a lot. I was worth more than others. Come to find out, I'm not something special. I'm just me.
As I was driving, thinking about these things, I remembered a passage in the Shack that I really liked. The "She" in this passage refers to God. It reads:
"'Is he your favorite? Bruce, I mean?'
She stopped and looked at him. 'Mackenzie, I have no favorites; I am just especially fond of him.'
'You seem to be especially fond of a lot of people', Mack observed with a suspicious look. 'Are there any who you are not especially fond of?'
She lifted her head and rolled her eyes as if she were mentally going through the catalog of every being ever created. 'Nope, I haven't been able to find any. Guess that's jes' the way I is.'"
"I'm especially fond of you."
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as DEARLY LOVED children" Ephesians 5:1.
As I thought about this, I realized that what people think of me, what "status" I take in people's lives does not affect my value in the least. Because, see, God loves me. Not only does He love me, He DEARLY loves me. I am His CHILD, and nothing can change that. I have value because Christ bought me with His blood. In His eyes, I was worth His LIFE! The life of the SON OF GOD!!! So whether my friends, family, spouse or anyone else think well of me or not, my value doesn't change one bit.
I will still struggle with jealousy because I have my entire life and things like this don't disappear overnight. But next time it rears its ugly head, I will remind myself where my value lies, and thank God for the friendships I have, enjoy them when I can, and let them go when I need to because they are no longer my reason for being.
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