I had a great interview at Olive Garden this afternoon! Well, interviewS actually. I got to the restaurant a few minutes early and waited for the manager to come out. While I was waiting, I was tried really hard not to look too nervous so I grabbed the only thing within arms reach to read. Did you know that Olive Garden's desserts have a heck of a lot of calories in them? A heck of alot!! But, oh do those pictures look delicious! But I digress. Back to the interview.
As I waited, the music overhead started playing "It's a new day, it's a new dawn, it's a new life!" and I had to smile because it is, indeed, a new day in my life. A new day of change, and hope and, well, something other than taking care of children and cleaning the house! The manager came out and started asking me questions. Normal, run of the mill interview questions, like why do you want to work here? What experience do you have? What days are you available, that kind of thing. She was very friendly and I quickly relaxed. As she was asking the questions, she kept slipping. She would say things like: "You will...I mean, if you are hired, you will..." It made me feel good because she was already seeing me as having been hired. When she finished her questions, she said that normally, they would schedule me to come back for another interview with the general manager, but she wanted to see if he would see me right away instead. I waited awhile, then she came out and said Felip was going to give me a tour of the place and that I could ask him any questions I wanted. I didn't know this was part of the application process. It seemed more like orientation to me, but I found out afterwards that he was filling out a questionnaire on me, about how I responded to the tour. Nice! I'm glad I asked a lot of questions, because I saw one of the answers he put was that my questions indicated I knew what I was talking about. Haha! Who knew my head full of endless questions would pay off?!
I waited quite awhile after the tour and finally the general manager came to talk to me. Boy was I nervous! The man didn't crack a smile. I was so intimidated I kept stumbling over my words. At one point, he said: "What are you doing right now?" I looked at him kind of funny, laughed and before I could catch myself, out came the sarcasm. "Um, interviewing with you! Ooooh, you mean job-wise? I've been a homemaker for 8 years and I'm ready to get back in the workplace, now that my kids are older and in school." Still, no smile. GULP. Darn sarcastic streak! Then he asked me how long I'd worked at Ruby Tuesdays (8 months) and Chilis (a year and a half). He asked me which one I liked better and why. I said Chilis because they had better teamwork and then again, open mouth, insert foot, because the managers at Chilis knew how to do business but have fun, but the manager at Ruby Tuesdays was really crabby. One of those "oops. I didn't actually say that, did I?" moments. He finished asking me questions, then said that he had two transfers that he needed to deal with, and that he needed to see how much of a need for servers they actually had because business wasn't up as much as he expected. But then he said: "We would really like to hire you on. You have a good personality. If our numbers allow it, we will hire you, but if not, we will get you in the next batch of servers we hire." Then he said: "It was nice meeting you.", actually SMILED and said: "and I'm not crabby all that often." Hahaha! Oh, my! I was so relieved!! So, he said if I don't hear from him by next Wednesday, they didn't have a need for another server, but if they do have a need, I will probably hear from them before then.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Blessings
I would like to share with you my weekend because God filled it with blessings from my friends and family.
Friday was a rough day for me. I spent four and a half hours at the storage, and in addition to the labor of sorting clothes, I had to deal with some interpersonal challenges amongst the volunteers. I came home exhausted! I honestly don't remember what happened the rest of the day. I was so fried! I do remember texting Christina and telling her that I REALLY needed some time with her the next day, to save whatever was left of my sanity. Saturday morning, Jason saw that we needed some special family time and took the kids and me to brunch at Black Bear Diner. Then Jason and James went off to run errands while Gabby and I went over to the McVays. When we got there, they were just about to go out and get their Christmas tree. I felt really bad because we were interfering with family time, but they didn't seem to mind in the least and just asked us if we wanted to come along! So Gabby and I were adopted in the McVay family for the afternoon and went Christmas tree shopping, followed by Christmas tree decorating. Then off to church in the evening.
After church Saturday night, I opened the kitchen cupboard to discover that Jason and the kids had eaten the last of the chocolate chips. A mild annoyance on a normal day, but on a bad day in a bad PMS month, it was tragic! I was literally begging God as I searched from cupboard to cupboard for any sort of chocolate I could find (sorry, men, but there is simply no way to describe what it feels like to be a pmsing woman with no access to chocolate). When I texted Sonja and informed her of my plight, she was very understanding. She asked me what my favorite chocolate is (Health bar/Almond Roca for those of you who care for future reference ;-).) Then I found some chocolate in the fridge and my crisis was averted.
Sunday morning, I was dragging. Really dragging. The days we do clothing at CITP are long and hard and I really wasn't in the mood. I got to the storage and Sonja greeted me WITH A HEATH BAR!!!!! I literally jumped up and down and then I cried. Yes. I cried over chocolate, but more over the fact that she loved me enough to take note of what I liked and that it mattered to her that I was having a rough time. She said she needed me sane to do the clothes :-). Whatever her reasoning, I was SO thankful for her at that moment!
Then we got to the park and I was approached by the husband of a good friend, whom I also love dearly, and he apologized for something that I had witnessed. I am telling you, again, I was choking back the tears because he didn't owe me an apology. He had done nothing to me. But there is something about a man being humble enough to realize when he's made a mistake and not only realize it but admit it to others, that I find incredibly moving.
During the service, a good friend got up to the mike and publicly apologized to his step-daughter for forgetting to mention her in his sermon a couple weeks back when he was naming off his blessings. Again, out came the tears.
Fathers, a word to you. There are very few things that mean more to a girl than to know that her daddy loves her and is proud of her. Please don't assume that she knows. Take the time to tell her, and admit when you're wrong. It won't make her think any less of you. Quite the contrary. She will be so proud to call you Dad. And at that moment at Beard Brook Park, I was incredibly proud to call Brian McVay my brother and friend because he swallowed his pride and did what was best for his daughter!
Sunday evening, we got home from the park and I was exhausted. I just laid on my bed doing nothing but texting until it was time to make dinner, at which point JAMES asked if he could cook dinner while I rested. Praise the Lord for an amazing little boy!
This morning, I slept through an hour of my alarm!! I have it set on radio, but wasn't even aware it went off until 15 minutes before I had to leave to get the kids to school! Jason had left early on a business trip and the kids were trying to let me sleep, bless their hearts! I came out to see Gabby trying to slice bread with a butter knife for her breakfast :-). Normally, my children, especially Gabby, hate being rushed. They will cry and complain when we tell them to hurry. Not this morning, though. They hurried through their morning preparations and made it to school on time. I was floored!
I did the dishes and vacuumed and then sat down to rest and watch tv. I didn't even send out a single text until 1pm today!! For those of you who know me well, you know that is quite the feat. But I needed the down time, the time away from the world for a bit. And when I did start texting, it did not go well. I got into a heated argument with one of my best friends. I was really worked up and went on a tirade. I was hurt and angry and bitter and took it out on him. But the thing is, he heard me and I heard him and we worked it out, because honestly, that's what good friends do. I walked away from that argument feeling more loved than I had in a long time.
Then Jason called me and I could tell he was exhausted from a day of bargaining, and from being up since 4:30, but he insisted that I could talk to him and vent to him as long as I needed to. God bless that man!
So that was my weekend. Definitely not an easy weekend to say the least, but I came out of it with the certainty that I am well loved and incredibly blessed! Thank you to all of you for making this world a better place.
Friday was a rough day for me. I spent four and a half hours at the storage, and in addition to the labor of sorting clothes, I had to deal with some interpersonal challenges amongst the volunteers. I came home exhausted! I honestly don't remember what happened the rest of the day. I was so fried! I do remember texting Christina and telling her that I REALLY needed some time with her the next day, to save whatever was left of my sanity. Saturday morning, Jason saw that we needed some special family time and took the kids and me to brunch at Black Bear Diner. Then Jason and James went off to run errands while Gabby and I went over to the McVays. When we got there, they were just about to go out and get their Christmas tree. I felt really bad because we were interfering with family time, but they didn't seem to mind in the least and just asked us if we wanted to come along! So Gabby and I were adopted in the McVay family for the afternoon and went Christmas tree shopping, followed by Christmas tree decorating. Then off to church in the evening.
After church Saturday night, I opened the kitchen cupboard to discover that Jason and the kids had eaten the last of the chocolate chips. A mild annoyance on a normal day, but on a bad day in a bad PMS month, it was tragic! I was literally begging God as I searched from cupboard to cupboard for any sort of chocolate I could find (sorry, men, but there is simply no way to describe what it feels like to be a pmsing woman with no access to chocolate). When I texted Sonja and informed her of my plight, she was very understanding. She asked me what my favorite chocolate is (Health bar/Almond Roca for those of you who care for future reference ;-).) Then I found some chocolate in the fridge and my crisis was averted.
Sunday morning, I was dragging. Really dragging. The days we do clothing at CITP are long and hard and I really wasn't in the mood. I got to the storage and Sonja greeted me WITH A HEATH BAR!!!!! I literally jumped up and down and then I cried. Yes. I cried over chocolate, but more over the fact that she loved me enough to take note of what I liked and that it mattered to her that I was having a rough time. She said she needed me sane to do the clothes :-). Whatever her reasoning, I was SO thankful for her at that moment!
Then we got to the park and I was approached by the husband of a good friend, whom I also love dearly, and he apologized for something that I had witnessed. I am telling you, again, I was choking back the tears because he didn't owe me an apology. He had done nothing to me. But there is something about a man being humble enough to realize when he's made a mistake and not only realize it but admit it to others, that I find incredibly moving.
During the service, a good friend got up to the mike and publicly apologized to his step-daughter for forgetting to mention her in his sermon a couple weeks back when he was naming off his blessings. Again, out came the tears.
Fathers, a word to you. There are very few things that mean more to a girl than to know that her daddy loves her and is proud of her. Please don't assume that she knows. Take the time to tell her, and admit when you're wrong. It won't make her think any less of you. Quite the contrary. She will be so proud to call you Dad. And at that moment at Beard Brook Park, I was incredibly proud to call Brian McVay my brother and friend because he swallowed his pride and did what was best for his daughter!
Sunday evening, we got home from the park and I was exhausted. I just laid on my bed doing nothing but texting until it was time to make dinner, at which point JAMES asked if he could cook dinner while I rested. Praise the Lord for an amazing little boy!
This morning, I slept through an hour of my alarm!! I have it set on radio, but wasn't even aware it went off until 15 minutes before I had to leave to get the kids to school! Jason had left early on a business trip and the kids were trying to let me sleep, bless their hearts! I came out to see Gabby trying to slice bread with a butter knife for her breakfast :-). Normally, my children, especially Gabby, hate being rushed. They will cry and complain when we tell them to hurry. Not this morning, though. They hurried through their morning preparations and made it to school on time. I was floored!
I did the dishes and vacuumed and then sat down to rest and watch tv. I didn't even send out a single text until 1pm today!! For those of you who know me well, you know that is quite the feat. But I needed the down time, the time away from the world for a bit. And when I did start texting, it did not go well. I got into a heated argument with one of my best friends. I was really worked up and went on a tirade. I was hurt and angry and bitter and took it out on him. But the thing is, he heard me and I heard him and we worked it out, because honestly, that's what good friends do. I walked away from that argument feeling more loved than I had in a long time.
Then Jason called me and I could tell he was exhausted from a day of bargaining, and from being up since 4:30, but he insisted that I could talk to him and vent to him as long as I needed to. God bless that man!
So that was my weekend. Definitely not an easy weekend to say the least, but I came out of it with the certainty that I am well loved and incredibly blessed! Thank you to all of you for making this world a better place.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I'm especially fond of that one!
I recently read "The Shack" by William P. Young. I know this book is extremely controversial in Christian circles, but bear with me. I view this book as a piece of fiction that makes me think of God outside the box. It is not Scripture and therefore not infallible, but it does make me think.
I'm going to be brutally honest here and reveal more of my imperfections. Thank you, Lord, for your grace! So here we go.
I am a very jealous person. I think that comes from my insecurities. I like to have a few REALLY good friends, and I like to be the world to those friends. I want to be number two in their lives, maybe number three or four if they are married or have kids, but honestly, I want to be all important. When I befriend someone, they become my world, second only to God and my family, and my life revolves around them. Not necessarily the healthiest lifestyle on the planet, but that is me. Over the course of this year, I developed two of those friendships. Tight, tight friendships, at least in my mind, and they became my world. When they were happy with me, I was on cloud nine. When they were displeased with me, my world was dark and gloomy. And I truly believe that I elevated them to idol status in my life.
In the weeks leading up to my stay at the funny farm, I lost both of those friendships within a matter of a couple weeks and it tore me up. They were my reason for living and they were gone. I lost my hope and my desire to live. I firmly believe that God tore them out of my life to show me where my priorities really needed to be, to put me back in line with Him.
I found myself upset this morning, annoyed and feeling that unpleasant sensation of jealousy. One of my friendships had been going really well, had been really fun, full of laughter and good times and then I found out that this person had been having good times with several other people as well. Now I told you guys this would be one of those brutally honest posts. I'm not proud of how petty and childish I can be at times, but this is the real me, the one who is desperately in need of God's mercy and grace to be worth anything. See, I thought, since we were having such good times, that I was worth more because that person cherished me more, enjoyed me more than their other friends. As long as I was happy, and joking and a "fun" friend, I was worth a lot. I was worth more than others. Come to find out, I'm not something special. I'm just me.
As I was driving, thinking about these things, I remembered a passage in the Shack that I really liked. The "She" in this passage refers to God. It reads:
"'Is he your favorite? Bruce, I mean?'
She stopped and looked at him. 'Mackenzie, I have no favorites; I am just especially fond of him.'
'You seem to be especially fond of a lot of people', Mack observed with a suspicious look. 'Are there any who you are not especially fond of?'
She lifted her head and rolled her eyes as if she were mentally going through the catalog of every being ever created. 'Nope, I haven't been able to find any. Guess that's jes' the way I is.'"
"I'm especially fond of you."
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as DEARLY LOVED children" Ephesians 5:1.
As I thought about this, I realized that what people think of me, what "status" I take in people's lives does not affect my value in the least. Because, see, God loves me. Not only does He love me, He DEARLY loves me. I am His CHILD, and nothing can change that. I have value because Christ bought me with His blood. In His eyes, I was worth His LIFE! The life of the SON OF GOD!!! So whether my friends, family, spouse or anyone else think well of me or not, my value doesn't change one bit.
I will still struggle with jealousy because I have my entire life and things like this don't disappear overnight. But next time it rears its ugly head, I will remind myself where my value lies, and thank God for the friendships I have, enjoy them when I can, and let them go when I need to because they are no longer my reason for being.
I'm going to be brutally honest here and reveal more of my imperfections. Thank you, Lord, for your grace! So here we go.
I am a very jealous person. I think that comes from my insecurities. I like to have a few REALLY good friends, and I like to be the world to those friends. I want to be number two in their lives, maybe number three or four if they are married or have kids, but honestly, I want to be all important. When I befriend someone, they become my world, second only to God and my family, and my life revolves around them. Not necessarily the healthiest lifestyle on the planet, but that is me. Over the course of this year, I developed two of those friendships. Tight, tight friendships, at least in my mind, and they became my world. When they were happy with me, I was on cloud nine. When they were displeased with me, my world was dark and gloomy. And I truly believe that I elevated them to idol status in my life.
In the weeks leading up to my stay at the funny farm, I lost both of those friendships within a matter of a couple weeks and it tore me up. They were my reason for living and they were gone. I lost my hope and my desire to live. I firmly believe that God tore them out of my life to show me where my priorities really needed to be, to put me back in line with Him.
I found myself upset this morning, annoyed and feeling that unpleasant sensation of jealousy. One of my friendships had been going really well, had been really fun, full of laughter and good times and then I found out that this person had been having good times with several other people as well. Now I told you guys this would be one of those brutally honest posts. I'm not proud of how petty and childish I can be at times, but this is the real me, the one who is desperately in need of God's mercy and grace to be worth anything. See, I thought, since we were having such good times, that I was worth more because that person cherished me more, enjoyed me more than their other friends. As long as I was happy, and joking and a "fun" friend, I was worth a lot. I was worth more than others. Come to find out, I'm not something special. I'm just me.
As I was driving, thinking about these things, I remembered a passage in the Shack that I really liked. The "She" in this passage refers to God. It reads:
"'Is he your favorite? Bruce, I mean?'
She stopped and looked at him. 'Mackenzie, I have no favorites; I am just especially fond of him.'
'You seem to be especially fond of a lot of people', Mack observed with a suspicious look. 'Are there any who you are not especially fond of?'
She lifted her head and rolled her eyes as if she were mentally going through the catalog of every being ever created. 'Nope, I haven't been able to find any. Guess that's jes' the way I is.'"
"I'm especially fond of you."
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as DEARLY LOVED children" Ephesians 5:1.
As I thought about this, I realized that what people think of me, what "status" I take in people's lives does not affect my value in the least. Because, see, God loves me. Not only does He love me, He DEARLY loves me. I am His CHILD, and nothing can change that. I have value because Christ bought me with His blood. In His eyes, I was worth His LIFE! The life of the SON OF GOD!!! So whether my friends, family, spouse or anyone else think well of me or not, my value doesn't change one bit.
I will still struggle with jealousy because I have my entire life and things like this don't disappear overnight. But next time it rears its ugly head, I will remind myself where my value lies, and thank God for the friendships I have, enjoy them when I can, and let them go when I need to because they are no longer my reason for being.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
PMS
I was going to say that today wasn't a good day, but I caught myself because I don't think there is such a thing as a "bad" day or a "good" day. There are days that are easy and days that are hard, but all days are good because we are alive and we are loved by the King Eternal, who works everything for our good. So no, today was not a bad day, but today was not an enjoyable day.
I'm tired. Not sleepy tired. Just life tired. I'm tired of feeling insecure. I'm tired of feeling angry. I'm tired of feeling like I'm about to break into tears all day long, but don't. I know what's going on. I know why I feel the way I do, but it's still frustrating. The physical component is especially frustrating because there is nothing I can do about it. I get terrible PMS, which is why I went on the pill back in April, only to remember in August, just before heading to the looney bin, that the pill has made me suicidal every single time I've taken it in the past. So I sit here hormone-pill free, and free of suicidal thoughts (thank you, Lord!), but the resulting physical pain and emotional drain is, like I said, frustrating. I suppose I should go back to the doctor and see if I have any other options to address this, but I'm SO sick of doctors and tests and medications. I should go though, while we still have insurance.
Anyway, when I don't feel well, I fall into the emotional trap of feeling like I'm worthless, like I'm not valuable as a wife/mother/friend. I know this will pass in a couple days and things will look up so I try not to take myself too seriously. And when I start telling myself that people will leave me because I'm tired/grumpy/moody/lazy/all of the above, I remind myself that I have the most incredible friends and family who stood by my side when I lost my mind and who will stand by my side and maybe even bring me chocolate when I feel like dirt. Love you guys!
I'm tired. Not sleepy tired. Just life tired. I'm tired of feeling insecure. I'm tired of feeling angry. I'm tired of feeling like I'm about to break into tears all day long, but don't. I know what's going on. I know why I feel the way I do, but it's still frustrating. The physical component is especially frustrating because there is nothing I can do about it. I get terrible PMS, which is why I went on the pill back in April, only to remember in August, just before heading to the looney bin, that the pill has made me suicidal every single time I've taken it in the past. So I sit here hormone-pill free, and free of suicidal thoughts (thank you, Lord!), but the resulting physical pain and emotional drain is, like I said, frustrating. I suppose I should go back to the doctor and see if I have any other options to address this, but I'm SO sick of doctors and tests and medications. I should go though, while we still have insurance.
Anyway, when I don't feel well, I fall into the emotional trap of feeling like I'm worthless, like I'm not valuable as a wife/mother/friend. I know this will pass in a couple days and things will look up so I try not to take myself too seriously. And when I start telling myself that people will leave me because I'm tired/grumpy/moody/lazy/all of the above, I remind myself that I have the most incredible friends and family who stood by my side when I lost my mind and who will stand by my side and maybe even bring me chocolate when I feel like dirt. Love you guys!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Not what I expected
If you had asked me a few months ago what I thought good mental health looked like, I probably would have told you that it was when someone was almost always happy. And when my psychiatrist put me on meds, my vision of what I would feel like if they worked was that I would be happy all of the time. When I went through the steps to freedom in Neil Anderson's book, I expected freedom to feel light and giddy and happy. This is not what I have experienced, but I have to say, I think I like real mental health even better. Here's where I'm at.
I get tired. I get crabby and even a bit irritable at times. I get angry, and hurt and sad. But I'm content. I'm at peace. Life still hurts sometimes, but the pain no longer overwhelms me. Yesterday, I had three huge moments in my day. The first one took place early, around 8am. I suffer from really bad PMS, and there are times when it takes every ounce of energy I have to drag myself out of bed because I'm just SO tired! It's hard to describe the feeling, but it's definitely not pleasant. Yesterday was one of those days. I would have loved to lay in bed all day curled up in a ball, watching movies and petting the cats, but I had things to do so I had to get up. My house was thrashed. I've been so busy the last few days that I haven't had the time or energy to keep up on the housework and it showed. I started really beating myself up, thinking about what a terrible housewife I am, that Jason deserved better, what a loser, what a poor excuse of a Christian and then I stopped. "Wait a minute. I am a child of God, loved DEARLY by Him. He doesn't love me because I keep a clean house or am full of energy, so He doesn't love me any less when my house is thrashed and I'm dragging myself around because I can barely move." The negative self-talk stopped immediately and while I was still exhausted and felt like crud, I was at peace.
Later in the day, I was helping James with his homework. Now, God has blessed that child with a very active brain and many times he asks questions I have no clue about. Yesterday was no exception. I can't even remember what he asked, but it was something I didn't comprehend well. I told him to ask Jason when he got home. "Honey, you're going to have to ask Daddy. His brain works that way. He can remember all the little stuff like that. Mommy's brain doesn't. My brain is more artsy and emotional. Neither one is better. They're just different and Mommy doesn't get that kind of stuff." I stopped for a minute because I realized that for the first time that I can remember, I truly meant that one hundred percent. I truly believed that my brain, the way God made me, was in no way inferior to anyone else. I am me. You are you. No one is better and no one is worse. We are who we are because that is who God wants us to be and again, I was at peace.
At dinner that night, I was exhausted. It had been a long day and I was really looking forward to getting the kids in bed and collapsing on the couch. We were sitting at the table and Jason looked at me and said: "You look really happy." "Huh?" I thought. "What do you mean? I am dog-tired and counting the minutes until bedtime!" But then I realized...I was content. Exhausted, feeling crappy and somewhat irritable, but content. And I praise God for that.
Thank you, Lord, for the healing you have brought. Thank you for carrying me through the storm and showing me Your tremendous love. And now I can sing with ever ounce of my being: "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart to stay!"
I get tired. I get crabby and even a bit irritable at times. I get angry, and hurt and sad. But I'm content. I'm at peace. Life still hurts sometimes, but the pain no longer overwhelms me. Yesterday, I had three huge moments in my day. The first one took place early, around 8am. I suffer from really bad PMS, and there are times when it takes every ounce of energy I have to drag myself out of bed because I'm just SO tired! It's hard to describe the feeling, but it's definitely not pleasant. Yesterday was one of those days. I would have loved to lay in bed all day curled up in a ball, watching movies and petting the cats, but I had things to do so I had to get up. My house was thrashed. I've been so busy the last few days that I haven't had the time or energy to keep up on the housework and it showed. I started really beating myself up, thinking about what a terrible housewife I am, that Jason deserved better, what a loser, what a poor excuse of a Christian and then I stopped. "Wait a minute. I am a child of God, loved DEARLY by Him. He doesn't love me because I keep a clean house or am full of energy, so He doesn't love me any less when my house is thrashed and I'm dragging myself around because I can barely move." The negative self-talk stopped immediately and while I was still exhausted and felt like crud, I was at peace.
Later in the day, I was helping James with his homework. Now, God has blessed that child with a very active brain and many times he asks questions I have no clue about. Yesterday was no exception. I can't even remember what he asked, but it was something I didn't comprehend well. I told him to ask Jason when he got home. "Honey, you're going to have to ask Daddy. His brain works that way. He can remember all the little stuff like that. Mommy's brain doesn't. My brain is more artsy and emotional. Neither one is better. They're just different and Mommy doesn't get that kind of stuff." I stopped for a minute because I realized that for the first time that I can remember, I truly meant that one hundred percent. I truly believed that my brain, the way God made me, was in no way inferior to anyone else. I am me. You are you. No one is better and no one is worse. We are who we are because that is who God wants us to be and again, I was at peace.
At dinner that night, I was exhausted. It had been a long day and I was really looking forward to getting the kids in bed and collapsing on the couch. We were sitting at the table and Jason looked at me and said: "You look really happy." "Huh?" I thought. "What do you mean? I am dog-tired and counting the minutes until bedtime!" But then I realized...I was content. Exhausted, feeling crappy and somewhat irritable, but content. And I praise God for that.
Thank you, Lord, for the healing you have brought. Thank you for carrying me through the storm and showing me Your tremendous love. And now I can sing with ever ounce of my being: "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart to stay!"
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Laughter
I was helping the kids get ready for crazy hair day at school this morning, when suddenly it hit me. I was laughing. Not the "I am your mom so I have to pretend I'm enjoying this" kind of laugh, but a true, from the heart laugh, and then another and another. And I realized that I was thoroughly enjoying my children.
When I was going through the depths of my depression, I truly believed I would never come out. Everything was so dark and heavy. I thought I would never get better. But yesterday afternoon, I lay on my bed after picking up the kids from school. I had completed a tough emotional exercise that morning (Neil Anderson's Seven Steps to Freedom) and was exhausted. Yet as I lay there, so tired I could barely move, I thought: "I made it. I actually made it through! I survived this storm. Thank you, Lord, for seeing me through."
I do not kid myself in thinking that life will be smooth sailing from here, because I know there will be more storms to come. But I survived this one. God carried me through and now, I want to help others who are walking through similar storms so that they, too, can come out on the other side...and LAUGH!
When I was going through the depths of my depression, I truly believed I would never come out. Everything was so dark and heavy. I thought I would never get better. But yesterday afternoon, I lay on my bed after picking up the kids from school. I had completed a tough emotional exercise that morning (Neil Anderson's Seven Steps to Freedom) and was exhausted. Yet as I lay there, so tired I could barely move, I thought: "I made it. I actually made it through! I survived this storm. Thank you, Lord, for seeing me through."
I do not kid myself in thinking that life will be smooth sailing from here, because I know there will be more storms to come. But I survived this one. God carried me through and now, I want to help others who are walking through similar storms so that they, too, can come out on the other side...and LAUGH!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sammy
5 years ago, October 2006, I found out I was pregnant with our third child. Three weeks later, I found out that child had died and I miscarried. For the first time in my life, I experienced true, inexpressable grief. I had felt sad before. I had felt grief and depression before, but never in my life had I experience the gut-wrenching, heart-breaking agony of losing a child. The pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected, but that didn't change the fact that I loved my child the instant saw the two lines on the stick. And when my child died, I remember falling to the green carpet in our master bedroom and screaming because there were no words to express the intense pain I was feeling in my heart.
At the time, and in the months that followed, I didn't think I would ever heal from that pain. I didn't think that anything could ever fill the emptiness my baby had left behind. I truly thought I would live the rest of my life in agony and I definitely could not understand why God would put us through that anguish. I gave my baby a name, Sammy. Since I didn't know if it was a boy or girl (although I always think of him as a boy), I picked a name that could work for either. And I got a pendant with October's birthstone for the month I lost him and June's birthstone for the month he was due. I vowed never to forget my son and I haven't.
But I have healed. 5 years later, I wonder, every now and then, how life would have been different if Sammy had lived. I wonder what it would be like today with a four year old in tow. I wonder if we ever would have made it to Modesto, or if I would have survived having a baby, a one year old and a three year old. But I don't cry over Sammy anymore. And looking back, I do see how God used our child's brief existence on this planet to affect change in our lives.
I look forward to the day when I will get to meet my son face to face. I picture him playing in heaven, blessing people up there with his beautiful spirit. And I want to encourage those of you who may be experiencing the pain of loss that healing does come, little by little, over time, but you never do forget.
At the time, and in the months that followed, I didn't think I would ever heal from that pain. I didn't think that anything could ever fill the emptiness my baby had left behind. I truly thought I would live the rest of my life in agony and I definitely could not understand why God would put us through that anguish. I gave my baby a name, Sammy. Since I didn't know if it was a boy or girl (although I always think of him as a boy), I picked a name that could work for either. And I got a pendant with October's birthstone for the month I lost him and June's birthstone for the month he was due. I vowed never to forget my son and I haven't.
But I have healed. 5 years later, I wonder, every now and then, how life would have been different if Sammy had lived. I wonder what it would be like today with a four year old in tow. I wonder if we ever would have made it to Modesto, or if I would have survived having a baby, a one year old and a three year old. But I don't cry over Sammy anymore. And looking back, I do see how God used our child's brief existence on this planet to affect change in our lives.
I look forward to the day when I will get to meet my son face to face. I picture him playing in heaven, blessing people up there with his beautiful spirit. And I want to encourage those of you who may be experiencing the pain of loss that healing does come, little by little, over time, but you never do forget.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
A miracle!
The news came down today that Jason will not be losing his job after all. For the last two weeks, we knew it would take a miracle for Jason to keep his job. Last night, I read the kids the story of Jesus casting the demons "Legion" out of the man and into the herd of pigs. We talked about the incredible power Jesus had to have to do something like that. A few minutes later, I walked into James' room and he was praying out loud. Now James doesn't usually like to pray at night. He almost always says he has nothing to say. But last night he was praying as I entered the room. He said amen then turned to me and said: "Maybe it'll work, Mom!" I said, "What will work, honey?" "My prayer. I prayed that Daddy wouldn't lose his job and that he wouldn't get a pay cut but that he'd get a RAISE instead!" I smiled at my boy, who understood that if Jesus could throw a legion of demons out of a man, He certainly could save his daddy's job and get him a raise to boot! We talked about the fact that God was more than capable of that, but that it might not be His will, but that no matter what, we knew that whatever God had in store was the best for us, even if it was hard.
Today, God decided to give James a yes. Well, not to the raise part, as far as I know, but to Jason keeping his job and I am stunned. Stunned, not because I didn't think God could do it. I knew without a doubt that He could, but I really thought that this was a time when God had something else in store for us and that we were about to face some really tough times. And so I sit here dazed. I do not understand why God has decided to bless us so incredibly much, but I bow my knees before Him and sing His praises. I am so thankful on so many fronts, thankful for the little things, like the fact we won't have to move to a smaller apartment, and that I won't have to tell Gabby she has to give up gymnastics. And I'm thankful for the big things, like the fact that I can continue my mental health treatment, that I can see a doctor about my PMDD and that we have some time to put our financial house in order. I pray, oh, Lord I pray, that we will be worthy stewards of the tremendous blessings God has bestowed on us! Every dime we have and every breath we take is something that God has granted us and I pray that I never forget that. Everything I have and everything I am, I owe to Him. May I use it all for His glory!
Today, God decided to give James a yes. Well, not to the raise part, as far as I know, but to Jason keeping his job and I am stunned. Stunned, not because I didn't think God could do it. I knew without a doubt that He could, but I really thought that this was a time when God had something else in store for us and that we were about to face some really tough times. And so I sit here dazed. I do not understand why God has decided to bless us so incredibly much, but I bow my knees before Him and sing His praises. I am so thankful on so many fronts, thankful for the little things, like the fact we won't have to move to a smaller apartment, and that I won't have to tell Gabby she has to give up gymnastics. And I'm thankful for the big things, like the fact that I can continue my mental health treatment, that I can see a doctor about my PMDD and that we have some time to put our financial house in order. I pray, oh, Lord I pray, that we will be worthy stewards of the tremendous blessings God has bestowed on us! Every dime we have and every breath we take is something that God has granted us and I pray that I never forget that. Everything I have and everything I am, I owe to Him. May I use it all for His glory!
Eight weeks
Eight weeks. Eight weeks ago, I was locked up in a psychiatric ward on a 72 hour suicide watch. Eight weeks ago today, I had lost my will to fight and my desire to live. Eight weeks ago today, my world as I knew it changed forever.
It's been a rough road. A road of heartache, shame and brokenness. A road of panic, darkness and depression. A road of rejection, uncertainty, and fear. But here's some of what I learned. Through all of the pain, the tears and the heartache, I learned that my God loves me. Not a distant "I made you so I kind of have to love you" kind of love, but that He DEARLY loves me (Ephesians 5:1). I learned that no matter what people do to me, no matter who leaves me and forsakes me, God NEVER will, ever, no matter what. (Hebrews 13:5). I have also experienced Proverbs 18:24 first hand, that indeed, there are friends who stick closer than a brother. I now KNOW what it means to have this Treasure in jars of clay (2 Corinthians 4:7). And I know that I know that I know that there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:28) and that includes certified nut jobs like ME!
Because I ended up in the looney bin, I learned not to hang my head in shame. Because I felt the shame of the psych ward, I discovered the pride of being a daughter of the High King. Because I hit rock bottom, I learned to sore on wings like eagles (Isaiah 40:31).
While I never in a million years would have asked God to put me through what I've been through, you couldn't pay me a million dollars to give up what I've learned through the experience. I now know who I am in Christ, and that, my friends, is worth every single tear I shed and every heartache I felt. I would go through it all all over again if I had to because there is nothing in the world that can compare with knowing the love of my Savior.
It's been a rough road. A road of heartache, shame and brokenness. A road of panic, darkness and depression. A road of rejection, uncertainty, and fear. But here's some of what I learned. Through all of the pain, the tears and the heartache, I learned that my God loves me. Not a distant "I made you so I kind of have to love you" kind of love, but that He DEARLY loves me (Ephesians 5:1). I learned that no matter what people do to me, no matter who leaves me and forsakes me, God NEVER will, ever, no matter what. (Hebrews 13:5). I have also experienced Proverbs 18:24 first hand, that indeed, there are friends who stick closer than a brother. I now KNOW what it means to have this Treasure in jars of clay (2 Corinthians 4:7). And I know that I know that I know that there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:28) and that includes certified nut jobs like ME!
Because I ended up in the looney bin, I learned not to hang my head in shame. Because I felt the shame of the psych ward, I discovered the pride of being a daughter of the High King. Because I hit rock bottom, I learned to sore on wings like eagles (Isaiah 40:31).
While I never in a million years would have asked God to put me through what I've been through, you couldn't pay me a million dollars to give up what I've learned through the experience. I now know who I am in Christ, and that, my friends, is worth every single tear I shed and every heartache I felt. I would go through it all all over again if I had to because there is nothing in the world that can compare with knowing the love of my Savior.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
A visit to the psychiatrist
I had my second visit with the psychiatrist this morning, after a month on Effexor. It went ok, I suppose. She told me to continue on Effexor and up the dose once a month when my depression worsens due to my cycle. She also prescribed Xanax on an "as needed" basis to help with any reoccurrance of panic attacks.
I don't really know how to feel about all this. I'm really overwhelmed right now, with the likelihood of Jason losing his job, yet knowing that God has it all under control. I'm not afraid that we won't be ok, but I don't even have a clue what next week will look like, let alone next month or next year and the unknown has me unsettled.
And I'm tired of this journey to mental wellness. It's exhausting. I'm tired of fighting every day to retrain my thoughts, to reshape my thinking. I'm tired of never knowing from one day to the next if it's going to be a "good" day or a really hard one. And I'm SO tired of the negative voices in my head telling me I am worth nothing, that I am a burden to my friends and loved ones and that I am not worth the air I breathe. I am so tired of having to fight those thoughts over and over and over again.
I know it will get easier. I know that the more times I put the Truth to the lies, the fewer times the lies will return. And I will continue to fight. I will not quit. And I will come out of this valley stronger than ever, with a deeper and better knowledge of my Lord and Savior and that is worth all of the struggles in the world!
I don't really know how to feel about all this. I'm really overwhelmed right now, with the likelihood of Jason losing his job, yet knowing that God has it all under control. I'm not afraid that we won't be ok, but I don't even have a clue what next week will look like, let alone next month or next year and the unknown has me unsettled.
And I'm tired of this journey to mental wellness. It's exhausting. I'm tired of fighting every day to retrain my thoughts, to reshape my thinking. I'm tired of never knowing from one day to the next if it's going to be a "good" day or a really hard one. And I'm SO tired of the negative voices in my head telling me I am worth nothing, that I am a burden to my friends and loved ones and that I am not worth the air I breathe. I am so tired of having to fight those thoughts over and over and over again.
I know it will get easier. I know that the more times I put the Truth to the lies, the fewer times the lies will return. And I will continue to fight. I will not quit. And I will come out of this valley stronger than ever, with a deeper and better knowledge of my Lord and Savior and that is worth all of the struggles in the world!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Love
Yesterday was a tough day for me. After my anxiety attack on Sunday, a lost friendship and other things that happened over the last few days, I was feeling beat up and useless. During this journey over the last few months, God has blessed me with an incredible amount of support and locally, He has given me four people who have known every sordid detail, who have witnessed every single crisis, and who have chosen to walk through it all with me. For that, I am immensely grateful! But yesterday, feeling so unworthy and unloveable, I began to wonder why. Why have they stuck by me? Why didn't they run away when others did? Why didn't they throw me away when I had nothing left to offer them? I asked one of them that point blank and the response I got was short and to the point. "Because I love you and nothing's going to change that. Now quit over-analyzing, k." I've thought about this comment quite a bit over the last twenty-four hours (yes. I do see the irony in analyzing that comment, lol.) What is love? I'm not talking about romantic love. I'm talking about true love between friends. I truly believe that true love is a commitment, a commitment to walk beside someone on their good days and their bad, during their mountaintops and their valleys. Right now, I may have little to offer my friends, but there will come a time when our roles are reversed and I will be there for them. True friendship, in my opinion, isn't about what you can get from the relationship. It's about commitment. And that's what love is all about.
Monday, October 10, 2011
A poem
You said you loved me once
by Rebecca Herring
by Rebecca Herring
You said you loved me once.
Why?
Was it because you thought I was someone I wasn't?
Was it because you thought I would become someone I didn't?
You said you'd stick by me forever.
Why?
Was it because you didn't know the road would get this rough?
Was it because you didn't realize where it would end up taking us?
You said you looked up to me once.
Why?
Was it because you thought I would never fall?
Was it because you put me on a pedestal too narrow for my feet?
I told you sisters forever.
I told you friends into eternity.
And I meant every word.
I meant every hug.
I meant every laugh, and every look, and I miss you.
Someday, perhaps, our healing will be complete.
Someday, perhaps, you and I will again walk this life together.
And in the meantime, I will pray and hold you dearly in my heart.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Panic attack
I had my first public panic attack today. What a humiliating experience! I've had MANY panic attacks over the course of my life, but none of them have been in a public setting. I have always been at home or in my car, alone or with Jason. But today, I had no such luck. And the crazy part about it was that I totally didn't see it coming. It took me completely by surprise. I was cheering, laughing, having a great time at the softball game after church and the next thing I knew, the tremors in my hands started. That wasn't that big of a deal to me. I have had a lot of tremors in my hands over the last month. But the odd thing was that this time, instead of calming down, they got stronger and stronger. My arms started to shake, and then my head. I laid down on the blanket to try to calm down and curled into a ball, but I couldn't stop the shaking. Bree, a twelve year old girl who's like a daughter to me, drew the attention of my friend Sonja. I could hear Bree calling Sonja, but I couldn't respond. I couldn't make myself move. I just laid there. Sonja drew close to me and I started to cry. She told me to stop crying, that it would only make it worse, but I just wanted to weep. I was scared, terrified really because I couldn't understand what was happening. Nothing had taken place, or so I thought at the time, to trigger this. It didn't make sense. Sonja tried to get me to drink some water, but my hands were shaking so hard I couldn't get the cup to my lips.
The softball game ended right then. Even though I was in the middle of a panic attack, I knew enough to realize that everyone was going to by heading my direction, since I was sitting where we pray after the game. I told Sonja I needed to get out of there and tried to walk away. I made it a few feet then sunk to the ground and started to weep. Sonja called Jason to let him know what was going on and put the phone to my ear. I had Jason talking to me on the phone, people talking and praying all around me and I gradually calmed down enough to be able to speak. Jason said he was heading back to the park and we hung up. My panic attack was over, and the humiliation set in. I could hear someone trying to reassure James and Gabby that I was ok, and I felt terrible that my kids saw me that way. I felt terrible because I knew they were worried, and kept asking why Mommy was shaking, but there was nothing I could do to change what they had just witnessed. And I knew Bree was shook up and even though I knew that nearly every person there loves me healthy or ill, I was incredibly embarrassed to have completely lost control in front of so many people.
We headed back to the car and I started helping a friend unload some boxes out of my car and into hers when the shaking started again and again, I couldn't stop it. Sonja held me for awhile, then my friend Stephanie and then Dean. And as Dean held me, I continued to shake and I was sobbing uncontrollably. I said: "I'm scared! I'm soooo scared!" "Scared of what?" Dean said. "Scared of this! I don't understand this! What is going on?!" Dean didn't have an answer for me, and Jason arrived. Jason gathered me in his arms and I wept and wept and wept some more. And then I started talking. And as I talked, I realized that a fight that had gone down right next to me that morning at the park had shook me up way more than I realized, as well as three other fights that went down that day, a group of rowdy twenty-somethings and events over the last four days had all led to my breaking point.
What I still find most interesting in all of this, however, is the final trigger for the panic attack. It was nothing. It was so small and insignificant that I NEVER would have thought I would have had the reaction I had to it. I suppose you could say it was truly the straw that broke the camel's back. I had been trying to play a joke on a friend and play a MOO over the microphone while he was up to bat, but I couldn't get my phone to work properly. No big deal at all, but apparently the frustration of that, combined with everything else up to that point, led to a massive panic attack.
*sigh* Can I dig a great big hole and hide in it until I get this insanity under control? I feel so insecure right now. So embarrassed. The funny thing is I know my true friends will love me just the same and will stick by me, but it is the others that worry me. It is the ones that used to look up to me because they thought I was a great Christian lady who had it all together. Well, I don't. And rationally I know that if they can't love me hurting and broken, their love wasn't genuine to begin with, but emotionally, I'm scared to lose yet another fantasy, yet another friendship that I thought was more than it was.
The softball game ended right then. Even though I was in the middle of a panic attack, I knew enough to realize that everyone was going to by heading my direction, since I was sitting where we pray after the game. I told Sonja I needed to get out of there and tried to walk away. I made it a few feet then sunk to the ground and started to weep. Sonja called Jason to let him know what was going on and put the phone to my ear. I had Jason talking to me on the phone, people talking and praying all around me and I gradually calmed down enough to be able to speak. Jason said he was heading back to the park and we hung up. My panic attack was over, and the humiliation set in. I could hear someone trying to reassure James and Gabby that I was ok, and I felt terrible that my kids saw me that way. I felt terrible because I knew they were worried, and kept asking why Mommy was shaking, but there was nothing I could do to change what they had just witnessed. And I knew Bree was shook up and even though I knew that nearly every person there loves me healthy or ill, I was incredibly embarrassed to have completely lost control in front of so many people.
We headed back to the car and I started helping a friend unload some boxes out of my car and into hers when the shaking started again and again, I couldn't stop it. Sonja held me for awhile, then my friend Stephanie and then Dean. And as Dean held me, I continued to shake and I was sobbing uncontrollably. I said: "I'm scared! I'm soooo scared!" "Scared of what?" Dean said. "Scared of this! I don't understand this! What is going on?!" Dean didn't have an answer for me, and Jason arrived. Jason gathered me in his arms and I wept and wept and wept some more. And then I started talking. And as I talked, I realized that a fight that had gone down right next to me that morning at the park had shook me up way more than I realized, as well as three other fights that went down that day, a group of rowdy twenty-somethings and events over the last four days had all led to my breaking point.
What I still find most interesting in all of this, however, is the final trigger for the panic attack. It was nothing. It was so small and insignificant that I NEVER would have thought I would have had the reaction I had to it. I suppose you could say it was truly the straw that broke the camel's back. I had been trying to play a joke on a friend and play a MOO over the microphone while he was up to bat, but I couldn't get my phone to work properly. No big deal at all, but apparently the frustration of that, combined with everything else up to that point, led to a massive panic attack.
*sigh* Can I dig a great big hole and hide in it until I get this insanity under control? I feel so insecure right now. So embarrassed. The funny thing is I know my true friends will love me just the same and will stick by me, but it is the others that worry me. It is the ones that used to look up to me because they thought I was a great Christian lady who had it all together. Well, I don't. And rationally I know that if they can't love me hurting and broken, their love wasn't genuine to begin with, but emotionally, I'm scared to lose yet another fantasy, yet another friendship that I thought was more than it was.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Musings
I'm in a pondering mood today. You know, one of those what is the meaning of life kind of days. Well, not exactly to that extent, but I am deep in thought. What I don't understand, what frustrates me today is how I can truly think I believe something only to have my feelings and actions deny what I thought I believed. Take, for example, my belief that my value lies in God alone, in the fact that I am a creation of God, bought by the blood of Christ, completely and fully forgiven and adopted into the family of God. I believe that with all of my being. So why, when someone makes comments that put me down, when someone tells me that I am inferior, not up to par, less than perfect, do I get upset? Why do I doubt myself and who God made me to be? Why do I put that person's opinions above those of the God of the Universe? I truly do not understand that. Perhaps it is because the idea that my value lies in Christ alone is a new one to me. Perhaps it is because for my entire life I have tried to measure up, to live up to what I thought other people wanted me to be, to fit in and so even though I have finally realized the futility of that, my initial response is to respond negatively to criticism and to believe it.
I realized something very interesting today. For the entire duration of my marriage, I have always seen Jason as superior to me. Not because he acted like it, or told me he was by any means, but I always felt really small, especially at times when we disagreed. So today we talked about it. Jason views me as his equal and he wants and values my opinion on everything so why do I feel inadequate? Why do I feel like I have less to offer than he does? I finally realized why today. God made me a very emotional person. I feel things with such intensity that it can be overwhelming at times. I will cry with a complete stranger because I truly do feel their pain. Many times, I have opinions about things because of how I feel. It may not always be logical or rational, but it is very real to me. Jason, on the other hand, is incredibly logical. Everything is part of a puzzle and one just has to make the pieces fit together. Everything can be understood logically and when it can't, he will study it from every angle until he can make it logical. Neither approach is right. Neither approach is wrong. We are just opposites and end up complementing each other beautifully because where he is weak, I am strong and vice versa. I realized today, however, without even knowing it, I had given logic much more value than emotion. In my mind, I was defective by being emotional and he was superior by being logical. When I finally realized this, we were able to work out a way to discuss things that works for both of us and I was able to remind myself that God made me this way, just as He made Jason the way he is. My emotions, my feelings have just as much to offer the world as Jason's logic. What a freeing concept!
I realized something very interesting today. For the entire duration of my marriage, I have always seen Jason as superior to me. Not because he acted like it, or told me he was by any means, but I always felt really small, especially at times when we disagreed. So today we talked about it. Jason views me as his equal and he wants and values my opinion on everything so why do I feel inadequate? Why do I feel like I have less to offer than he does? I finally realized why today. God made me a very emotional person. I feel things with such intensity that it can be overwhelming at times. I will cry with a complete stranger because I truly do feel their pain. Many times, I have opinions about things because of how I feel. It may not always be logical or rational, but it is very real to me. Jason, on the other hand, is incredibly logical. Everything is part of a puzzle and one just has to make the pieces fit together. Everything can be understood logically and when it can't, he will study it from every angle until he can make it logical. Neither approach is right. Neither approach is wrong. We are just opposites and end up complementing each other beautifully because where he is weak, I am strong and vice versa. I realized today, however, without even knowing it, I had given logic much more value than emotion. In my mind, I was defective by being emotional and he was superior by being logical. When I finally realized this, we were able to work out a way to discuss things that works for both of us and I was able to remind myself that God made me this way, just as He made Jason the way he is. My emotions, my feelings have just as much to offer the world as Jason's logic. What a freeing concept!
Unannounced storm
One of the survival skills I have learned in dealing with my depression is to identify upcoming triggers and prepare for them, be it by journaling ahead of time, asking for prayer support and/or slating out time in my day to process whatever is going to occur. I've also learned not to walk into situations full of triggers without a "safe" person, someone who knows me completely and still loves me, right by my side. Sometimes, however, storms can come up out of the blue, grab you up in the whirlwind and spit you out on the other side, leaving you to wonder what in the world just happened.
Yesterday was one of those days for me. I was just going along with my day, thankful for all of the healing and change that has taken place since my jaunt in the looney bin when suddenly, out of nowhere it seemed, an old wound was ripped open, a new wound created and I was left a weeping mess wondering how I got taken so off guard.
Last night, I was thankful for sleeping pills. Not to ignore my problems, but to put them off long enough to get the sleep that I need to face the after-effects of yesterday's storm. This morning, I am thankful for lazy Saturday mornings that allow me to pray, to journal, and try to make sense of the renewed pain. *Sigh* Sometimes I get really, really tired of this journey. Today, I'm holding to Matthew 11:28.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Yesterday was one of those days for me. I was just going along with my day, thankful for all of the healing and change that has taken place since my jaunt in the looney bin when suddenly, out of nowhere it seemed, an old wound was ripped open, a new wound created and I was left a weeping mess wondering how I got taken so off guard.
Last night, I was thankful for sleeping pills. Not to ignore my problems, but to put them off long enough to get the sleep that I need to face the after-effects of yesterday's storm. This morning, I am thankful for lazy Saturday mornings that allow me to pray, to journal, and try to make sense of the renewed pain. *Sigh* Sometimes I get really, really tired of this journey. Today, I'm holding to Matthew 11:28.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Lies vs. Truth
I had an interesting, eye-opening experience yesterday. In order for it to make sense, I need to share some of what I learned in Victory over the Darkness. One of the chapters I read dealt with spiritual warfare, how the enemy places lies in our heads and the only way to fight them is with the Truth. Neil Anderson wrote:
"Because Satan's primary weapon is the lie, your defense against him is the truth. Dealing with Satan is not a power encounter; it is a truth encounter. When you expose Satan's lie with God's truth, his power is broken." p.162
He goes on to talk about how many of us hear voices in our heads but don't admit it because we don't want others to think we're crazy. Now, I'm not talking about other people voices. I'm talking about thoughts that although they sound like ours, do not come from us. I thought about that and found it interesting, but did not see myself as part of the "voice hearing" group.
Fast-forward to yesterday evening. I got into my car to go visit a friend. As I was thinking about this visit, a thought I had triggered some guilt and immediately my brain was filled with: "You are EVIL, EVIL, EVIL!" I was taken aback by it because in that moment I realized that yes, indeed, I do hear "voices" in my head that are filled with lies. I remembered what Dr. Anderson had written and responded: "Actually, the Bible says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, so you are WRONG!" To my astonishment, the accusatory thoughts stopped and I proceeded along on my way. Just a few days ago, I would have been a basket case by the time I got to my friend's house because I would have continued to beat myself up over and over and over again. But this time, the Truth set me free! Praise the Lord for freedom in Christ!
"Because Satan's primary weapon is the lie, your defense against him is the truth. Dealing with Satan is not a power encounter; it is a truth encounter. When you expose Satan's lie with God's truth, his power is broken." p.162
He goes on to talk about how many of us hear voices in our heads but don't admit it because we don't want others to think we're crazy. Now, I'm not talking about other people voices. I'm talking about thoughts that although they sound like ours, do not come from us. I thought about that and found it interesting, but did not see myself as part of the "voice hearing" group.
Fast-forward to yesterday evening. I got into my car to go visit a friend. As I was thinking about this visit, a thought I had triggered some guilt and immediately my brain was filled with: "You are EVIL, EVIL, EVIL!" I was taken aback by it because in that moment I realized that yes, indeed, I do hear "voices" in my head that are filled with lies. I remembered what Dr. Anderson had written and responded: "Actually, the Bible says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, so you are WRONG!" To my astonishment, the accusatory thoughts stopped and I proceeded along on my way. Just a few days ago, I would have been a basket case by the time I got to my friend's house because I would have continued to beat myself up over and over and over again. But this time, the Truth set me free! Praise the Lord for freedom in Christ!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Three days!!
It has been three days today since I have had a suicidal thought. While that may not seem like long at all, to me it is monumental! It gives me hope. I'm still tired and have very dark circles under my eyes, but my head is relatively clear and my heart doesn't constantly hurt. I do not feel like I am always fighting with myself, trying to overcome the suffocating darkness of depression. And for two nights now, I have slept without the aid of sleeping pills and have slept the entire night through. Another huge deal for me!
What I have found interesting, however, is that as my depression has started to lift, my anxiety has not. My hands still shake almost constantly. My jaw is clenched and my head has a dull ache. I think part of that is because I am mentally stealing myself again another crash, another meltdown, another drop back into the darkness. If this anxiety does not let up, I will definitely bring it up to the psychiatrist on the 13th when I see her again. But I'm also clinging to a quote I read from Neil Anderson. He wrote: "Fear of anything other than God is mutually exclusive to faith in God." God has faithfully brought me through this journey to this point and whether there are more dark times ahead or not, I know that God will continue to walk beside me and carry me through.
What I have found interesting, however, is that as my depression has started to lift, my anxiety has not. My hands still shake almost constantly. My jaw is clenched and my head has a dull ache. I think part of that is because I am mentally stealing myself again another crash, another meltdown, another drop back into the darkness. If this anxiety does not let up, I will definitely bring it up to the psychiatrist on the 13th when I see her again. But I'm also clinging to a quote I read from Neil Anderson. He wrote: "Fear of anything other than God is mutually exclusive to faith in God." God has faithfully brought me through this journey to this point and whether there are more dark times ahead or not, I know that God will continue to walk beside me and carry me through.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Victory over the Darkness
A friend of mine recommended a book for me to read. It's called Victory over the Darkness, by Neil T. Anderson. One of the problems I've been very aware of in my life is that my life does not reflect the peace and joy one would expect from someone who truly believes what the Bible says. I think this is due in large part to the fact that even though, or maybe because, I have spent all 33 years of my life in the church, reading my Bible and memorizing verses, I am actually confused about what exactly the Bible teaches. Many times, I will think "I'm saved by grace. Can't earn it. But if I mess up repeatedly, a lightning bolt will come down from heaven and zap me into oblivion." or "Jesus saved me, which means I shouldn't have anymore weaknesses. I am fully aware of the fact that I'm messed up, which means I must not really love God as much as I say I do. So I must be a fraud." And I become confused about who I really am, who God is, and what His view is of me.
At the end of the first chapter of Victory over the Darkness, Neil Anderson lists a plethora of verses dealing with who I am in Christ. I looked each and everyone of them up and have, in the last hour and a half, received more healing than I have in the 6 therapy sessions I have had to date. If you are struggling to remember who you are in Christ, here's the list:
http://www.ficm.org/index.php?command=textwhoamiinchrist
I would encourage you to take the time to read through them. If you click on the reference on the site above, it will take you straight to the verse. You don't even have to own a Bible to do this. It takes awhile, but it's definitely worth an hour of your time.
At the end of the first chapter of Victory over the Darkness, Neil Anderson lists a plethora of verses dealing with who I am in Christ. I looked each and everyone of them up and have, in the last hour and a half, received more healing than I have in the 6 therapy sessions I have had to date. If you are struggling to remember who you are in Christ, here's the list:
http://www.ficm.org/index.php?command=textwhoamiinchrist
I would encourage you to take the time to read through them. If you click on the reference on the site above, it will take you straight to the verse. You don't even have to own a Bible to do this. It takes awhile, but it's definitely worth an hour of your time.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Never will I leave you
“Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you.”
“Lord! You promised! You PROMISED!! Why am I so alone?! Where ARE you? Why have you left me all alone?”
Silence.
“GOD!!!!” My chest hurts. My heart's breaking for the thousandth time. Tears stream down my face as sobs shake my body. “GOD!!!” I pick up my pillow to stifle my screams of desperation and rage. Can't have the neighbors calling the police. “GOD!!!!!” I scream again and again and again. My throat hurts. My chest hurts. My head hurts. My sinuses hurt. I have cried so many tears that I am dehydrated and parched. Yet still they flow with no end in sight. Tissues cover the floor and the silence continues to fall heavily upon my ears.
“No! Not again. No way. Huh uh. Not a chance. No. I have asked them to pray too many times. They are going to get sick and tired of me and then I will be completely alone. No. I refuse.” The tears continue to pour from my eyes and my chest continues to heave with the sobs. The darkness in my brain settles in thickly and I cannot think. I want this to end. I can't do this anymore. I can't fight this anymore. I will end it. Jason will be better off. The kids can get a new mom, a better mom, one who's not so sick all the time, one who has patience and energy and can love them as they deserve to be loved. Yes. That would be better for all involved. I am just a worthless whore anyway, a fraud who claims to have faith but can't get past the pain. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.
I think of ways to end the suffering, weighing the pros and cons, when suddenly a little blond child steals through the fog in my brain and I see the image of my princess. “Mommy” I remember her saying. “Mommy, don't tell Daddy if it will hurt his feelings, but I love you more than I love Daddy.” And as the memory fills my brain, I can almost feel her soft little arms around my neck and feel the moistness of her kiss on my lips. “Oh, God!” I whisper. “I can't leave her. I can't do that to her!” Dejected and humiliated, I pick up my phone and once again, to the four who have shown me complete and unconditional love, I send out yet another text. “Please guys. I can't fight anymore. I need your prayers.” I drop the phone, defeated. Soon, my phone starts to ding.
“I love you.”
“I rebuke these suicidal thoughts in the name of Jesus!”
“Praying”
And the fog in my brain begins to dissipate. Once again, I have the determination to live, to fight this beast of depression, to win this war. And once again, God has used His children to show me that, indeed, He has never left me. He has used my dear friends to remind me that unconditional love does in fact truly exist and that come hell or high water, they will stand by me through this, that the love they have for me does not change when I am down and weak. And this time, as the tears begin to flow anew, they are tears of gratitude for the incredible gift of such dear, dear friends.
“Lord! You promised! You PROMISED!! Why am I so alone?! Where ARE you? Why have you left me all alone?”
Silence.
“GOD!!!!” My chest hurts. My heart's breaking for the thousandth time. Tears stream down my face as sobs shake my body. “GOD!!!” I pick up my pillow to stifle my screams of desperation and rage. Can't have the neighbors calling the police. “GOD!!!!!” I scream again and again and again. My throat hurts. My chest hurts. My head hurts. My sinuses hurt. I have cried so many tears that I am dehydrated and parched. Yet still they flow with no end in sight. Tissues cover the floor and the silence continues to fall heavily upon my ears.
“No! Not again. No way. Huh uh. Not a chance. No. I have asked them to pray too many times. They are going to get sick and tired of me and then I will be completely alone. No. I refuse.” The tears continue to pour from my eyes and my chest continues to heave with the sobs. The darkness in my brain settles in thickly and I cannot think. I want this to end. I can't do this anymore. I can't fight this anymore. I will end it. Jason will be better off. The kids can get a new mom, a better mom, one who's not so sick all the time, one who has patience and energy and can love them as they deserve to be loved. Yes. That would be better for all involved. I am just a worthless whore anyway, a fraud who claims to have faith but can't get past the pain. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.
I think of ways to end the suffering, weighing the pros and cons, when suddenly a little blond child steals through the fog in my brain and I see the image of my princess. “Mommy” I remember her saying. “Mommy, don't tell Daddy if it will hurt his feelings, but I love you more than I love Daddy.” And as the memory fills my brain, I can almost feel her soft little arms around my neck and feel the moistness of her kiss on my lips. “Oh, God!” I whisper. “I can't leave her. I can't do that to her!” Dejected and humiliated, I pick up my phone and once again, to the four who have shown me complete and unconditional love, I send out yet another text. “Please guys. I can't fight anymore. I need your prayers.” I drop the phone, defeated. Soon, my phone starts to ding.
“I love you.”
“I rebuke these suicidal thoughts in the name of Jesus!”
“Praying”
And the fog in my brain begins to dissipate. Once again, I have the determination to live, to fight this beast of depression, to win this war. And once again, God has used His children to show me that, indeed, He has never left me. He has used my dear friends to remind me that unconditional love does in fact truly exist and that come hell or high water, they will stand by me through this, that the love they have for me does not change when I am down and weak. And this time, as the tears begin to flow anew, they are tears of gratitude for the incredible gift of such dear, dear friends.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
An illness or a curse from heaven
Today I'm taking a break from my tales of the looney bin to post some musings, some thoughts regarding depression and people's views of it. Today is a rough day for me. My depression is thick and suicidal thoughts bounce around in my head. I'm dizzy and it takes effort to make my body move. But I'm moving because I am determined to conquer this disease so that I, in turn, can help others rise above.
I have been struck by something on this journey. Depression holds a certain stigma among some Christians, but definitely not by all. Many, many of my brothers and sisters in Christ have pleasantly surprised me by coming alongside me, supporting me and building me up as I struggle with my depression. But I have been asked if my sorrow is a godly sorrow. And I have been counseled to turn from my sin. I am far from perfect and I know that some of the triggers of this depression come from struggling to surrender my will to God, but let me tell you something. When I am face down on the floor, sobbing my heart to God, telling Him He can have anything and everything He wants and begging Him to deliver me from this depression only to have my brain filled with thoughts of self-harm and self-hatred, when I have scoured the Bible for promises and held them near and dear in my heart and still have faced another day with absolutely no energy or will to live, you CANNOT tell me that it is because of the sin I harbor in my heart. If I could, I would give up everything I have, everything I own, everything I hold dear and sit on a street corner the rest of my life in exchange for a clear head and a renewed love for life! I don't know exactly why I am where I am today. I know that some of it is circumstantial and some of it is biological. But I urge you, please, before you condemn someone for something you do not understand, take the time to love them. Take the time to think before you speak and if nothing else, pray for them, because that will get them so much further than any judgment or condemnation ever could.
I have been struck by something on this journey. Depression holds a certain stigma among some Christians, but definitely not by all. Many, many of my brothers and sisters in Christ have pleasantly surprised me by coming alongside me, supporting me and building me up as I struggle with my depression. But I have been asked if my sorrow is a godly sorrow. And I have been counseled to turn from my sin. I am far from perfect and I know that some of the triggers of this depression come from struggling to surrender my will to God, but let me tell you something. When I am face down on the floor, sobbing my heart to God, telling Him He can have anything and everything He wants and begging Him to deliver me from this depression only to have my brain filled with thoughts of self-harm and self-hatred, when I have scoured the Bible for promises and held them near and dear in my heart and still have faced another day with absolutely no energy or will to live, you CANNOT tell me that it is because of the sin I harbor in my heart. If I could, I would give up everything I have, everything I own, everything I hold dear and sit on a street corner the rest of my life in exchange for a clear head and a renewed love for life! I don't know exactly why I am where I am today. I know that some of it is circumstantial and some of it is biological. But I urge you, please, before you condemn someone for something you do not understand, take the time to love them. Take the time to think before you speak and if nothing else, pray for them, because that will get them so much further than any judgment or condemnation ever could.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
An unexpected break
The guard led me to a holding cell of sorts, a room with a bench seat and a chair. The barred window looked out over a pool, which I found odd. Who swims in a looney bin? Someone must, although I never did find out the answer to that question. The guard asked me if I wanted something to eat or drink and I told him I was terribly thirsty and would love some water. He said he would get it for me and left. I laid down on the bench seat, closed my eyes and was soon more relaxed than I had been in a long time. My world had stopped. I didn't have my phone. I didn't have a clock by which to mark the passing minutes and hours. I didn't have the children clamoring for my attention, dinner to be made, friends in crisis or a husband to care for. It was quiet. Time stood still. After awhile, the guard came in and brought me a pillow and some blankets. Still no water. I was REALLY thirsty and he said he would bring me something to drink. I waited a bit, but when he didn't come back, I put my head down on the pillow and drifted off. In and out. I could hear the guards, then another patient they brought in, who apparently was way less happy than I was to be there and was making sure the guards knew exactly how she felt, in very colorful language, about the whole process.
As I waited for hours there in that little room, I marveled that I was not bored, that other than being incredibly thirsty, I did not mind the wait at all. I was so tired, and the break from the real world came as an unexpected relief.
As I waited for hours there in that little room, I marveled that I was not bored, that other than being incredibly thirsty, I did not mind the wait at all. I was so tired, and the break from the real world came as an unexpected relief.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Security
Jason has to leave to pick up the kids from school and Sonja has come to sit with me. Finally, the security guard comes out front and calls me. Security guards scare me, but this one surprises me and smiles. He's nice! He tells me I can come back. I hand my purse to Sonja. He tells me I have to take off my pearls. My pearls. As I hand them to Sonja, my mind flashes back to that Sunday. I see her giving them to me, telling me they were her mom's, that she inherited 3 strings of them when her mom died and that she wanted me to have one. A lump grows in my throat as I realize once again how blessed I am to have a sister like her. As I hand her those pearls, I ask her to please take care of them. They mean the world to me. Then the guard says I have to take out my scrunchi. I try not to be humiliated by my pony tail hair. After all, I'm heading into the looney bin. Really?! How much more humiliating can it get?! But still. I'm embarrassed. I hug Sonja goodbye and walk through the doorway.
My heart is beating rapidly as we walk down the hallway, but again, I am struck by how nice the guards are. Very friendly. Very respectful. And then he reaches for the rubber gloves. My heart starts to race! "Oh, HELL, no!" my mind screams. "I walked in here completely voluntarily and definitely did NOT sign up for this! LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!"
"Turn around, please, back to me"
Thump, thump. Thump, thump.
"Arms out like an airplane."
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP!!!!
As he pats down the outside of my clothing, through my pain and fog, I sense a giggle well up and I know this will be a story. The snapping of the rubber gloves. The panic filling my mind. The benign and uneventful pat down. The overwhelming relief that a stay in the nut house does not, in fact, include legal rape. Whoo!
My heart is beating rapidly as we walk down the hallway, but again, I am struck by how nice the guards are. Very friendly. Very respectful. And then he reaches for the rubber gloves. My heart starts to race! "Oh, HELL, no!" my mind screams. "I walked in here completely voluntarily and definitely did NOT sign up for this! LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!"
"Turn around, please, back to me"
Thump, thump. Thump, thump.
"Arms out like an airplane."
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP!!!!
As he pats down the outside of my clothing, through my pain and fog, I sense a giggle well up and I know this will be a story. The snapping of the rubber gloves. The panic filling my mind. The benign and uneventful pat down. The overwhelming relief that a stay in the nut house does not, in fact, include legal rape. Whoo!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
The fog
"Why are you crying, love?"
I hear his voice through the fog. "Huh?" What is he talking about? I'm not crying! Wait. My cheeks are wet. I AM crying. I didn't know. It's so dark in here. In my head. So very, very dark. I can't open my eyes. I sink darker into my hole. Still we drive on. I'm scared. Terrified really. I know I need to eat, but I just can't take another bite. Petrified. And the fog. Oh, the fog! It's so dark. So very, very dark.
"What are you thinking, baby?"
"Huh?" Oh, it hurts! It hurts! My heart hurts so much! It's breaking into little pieces and I can't find them all! I can't DO this!!! Somebody please help me!!
We stop. We're here. I want to run away, but I don't. I fall into Jason's arms and he holds me. He prays. I think. The fog. Oh, the fog!
We go inside. He talks to the lady at the window. We wait. I'm scared. Terrified. But they won't keep me. I know they won't keep me because I didn't do anything, right? They won't keep me, right? No. They wouldn't. I'll be going home soon. We sit. We wait. And we wait some more.
I hear his voice through the fog. "Huh?" What is he talking about? I'm not crying! Wait. My cheeks are wet. I AM crying. I didn't know. It's so dark in here. In my head. So very, very dark. I can't open my eyes. I sink darker into my hole. Still we drive on. I'm scared. Terrified really. I know I need to eat, but I just can't take another bite. Petrified. And the fog. Oh, the fog! It's so dark. So very, very dark.
"What are you thinking, baby?"
"Huh?" Oh, it hurts! It hurts! My heart hurts so much! It's breaking into little pieces and I can't find them all! I can't DO this!!! Somebody please help me!!
We stop. We're here. I want to run away, but I don't. I fall into Jason's arms and he holds me. He prays. I think. The fog. Oh, the fog!
We go inside. He talks to the lady at the window. We wait. I'm scared. Terrified. But they won't keep me. I know they won't keep me because I didn't do anything, right? They won't keep me, right? No. They wouldn't. I'll be going home soon. We sit. We wait. And we wait some more.
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