Not what I expected

If you had asked me a few months ago what I thought good mental health looked like, I probably would have told you that it was when someone was almost always happy. And when my psychiatrist put me on meds, my vision of what I would feel like if they worked was that I would be happy all of the time. When I went through the steps to freedom in Neil Anderson's book, I expected freedom to feel light and giddy and happy. This is not what I have experienced, but I have to say, I think I like real mental health even better. Here's where I'm at.
I get tired. I get crabby and even a bit irritable at times. I get angry, and hurt and sad. But I'm content. I'm at peace. Life still hurts sometimes, but the pain no longer overwhelms me. Yesterday, I had three huge moments in my day. The first one took place early, around 8am. I suffer from really bad PMS, and there are times when it takes every ounce of energy I have to drag myself out of bed because I'm just SO tired! It's hard to describe the feeling, but it's definitely not pleasant. Yesterday was one of those days. I would have loved to lay in bed all day curled up in a ball, watching movies and petting the cats, but I had things to do so I had to get up. My house was thrashed. I've been so busy the last few days that I haven't had the time or energy to keep up on the housework and it showed. I started really beating myself up, thinking about what a terrible housewife I am, that Jason deserved better, what a loser, what a poor excuse of a Christian and then I stopped. "Wait a minute. I am a child of God, loved DEARLY by Him. He doesn't love me because I keep a clean house or am full of energy, so He doesn't love me any less when my house is thrashed and I'm dragging myself around because I can barely move." The negative self-talk stopped immediately and while I was still exhausted and felt like crud, I was at peace.
Later in the day, I was helping James with his homework. Now, God has blessed that child with a very active brain and many times he asks questions I have no clue about. Yesterday was no exception. I can't even remember what he asked, but it was something I didn't comprehend well. I told him to ask Jason when he got home. "Honey, you're going to have to ask Daddy. His brain works that way. He can remember all the little stuff like that. Mommy's brain doesn't. My brain is more artsy and emotional. Neither one is better. They're just different and Mommy doesn't get that kind of stuff." I stopped for a minute because I realized that for the first time that I can remember, I truly meant that one hundred percent. I truly believed that my brain, the way God made me, was in no way inferior to anyone else. I am me. You are you. No one is better and no one is worse. We are who we are because that is who God wants us to be and again, I was at peace.
At dinner that night, I was exhausted. It had been a long day and I was really looking forward to getting the kids in bed and collapsing on the couch. We were sitting at the table and Jason looked at me and said: "You look really happy." "Huh?" I thought. "What do you mean? I am dog-tired and counting the minutes until bedtime!" But then I realized...I was content. Exhausted, feeling crappy and somewhat irritable, but content. And I praise God for that.
Thank you, Lord, for the healing you have brought. Thank you for carrying me through the storm and showing me Your tremendous love. And now I can sing with ever ounce of my being: "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, down in my heart to stay!"