Rest

I'm standing all alone in the middle of nowhere. The sun is beating down on me and the ground underneath me is parched, with deep cracks in it. I'm standing strong as the heat and the wind beat about me, but I'm tired. So very, very tired. I'm standing tall, but I feel as if at any moment I am going to fall. My legs are shaking and I'm exhausted. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, He comes. I can't see His face, but I know it's Him. He's big and soft and oozes warmth and peace and kindness. I fall into His arms, bury my face in His chest and cry. We share no words. I just stand there, supported by His love and I feel His strength pouring back into my veins. I know it's still hot and parched all around me, and I know there will come a time again soon when I will have to stand strong, but right now I am a pile of mush in my Daddy's arms and I savor it. I breathe in deeply, thankful that right now, He's carrying it all and I rest.

WOW! I don't even know where to start, or how to word what it is that is going through my head right now. I'm sitting here, staring at the computer not knowing what to say because tonight, I made a life-changing realization. It's funny because it's one of those things that I probably would have told you I knew before tonight, but tonight the reality of it hit me and I'm sitting here feeling light, and free, and, well, sort of unsure of what to do with myself without the heaviness of the burden that has been weighing me down for the last two years. Let me see if I can explain.
I am naturally co-dependent. It requires effort on my part to not feel responsible for other people's feelings and for the circumstances of their lives. However, I usually make a conscious effort to remind myself that I am not responsible for other people's happiness and do not allow their unhappiness to ruin my life. For some reason, however, I missed it in one of my friendships. I just didn't see it! I took upon myself my friend's happiness and set out on the roller coaster ride of my life! We'll call this friend Hank for the purposes of this blog because I don't actually know any Hanks in real life. Oh, wait, yes I do, but he's just an acquaintance that I see only every few months, so you can rest assured that I'm not actually talking about Hank. Or maybe I should call her Sophie. Why Sophie? Well, I don't know. Why not?
For two years, when Sophie (aka Hank) was happy, I felt content and happy and satisfied. When she was upset, angry, lonely or sad, I felt responsible, down in the dumps, inferior and a failure. I cannot tell you what it was about tonight that made me finally see that her loneliness/unhappiness is not my burden to bear, but for some reason, the blinders just fell off my eyes and I became aware of the fact that HER choices that have led her to where she is now and I cannot change those, nor can I live her life for her. She decides if she wants to get close to other people or would rather isolate herself in her work and ministry. She decides if she wants to spend her evenings alone or with friends. She decides if she wants to trust others and open up or guard everything she has close to her chest. I cannot change her, and I cannot cure her loneliness no matter how hard I try because her loneliness is of her own making. I will always be her friend, but I've finally realized that I CANNOT be her savior and what a freeing realization that is!

New Beginnings

An unexpected result of recovery has taken place in me. It has created a certain restlessness, a searching for something, anything to occupy my mind and my time. For the last year, I have been attempting to survive, to make it through the day, to talk myself into living. I had no healthy dreams and no goals. My mind was so trapped in unhealthy thought patterns.

Now, as I heal, I find the obsessive thoughts calming down, and the desire to really LIVE again rising to the surface. With this comes a sense of bewilderment, of loss, because I don't really know what to do with myself. I have energy. I have time. I have dreams. I have interests, but all of these seem foreign to me and I'm not sure what to do with them right now. I want to go somewhere, to do something, but I don't know which direction I'm heading!
So for now, I'm pursuing the interests I know are real and genuine, like my desire to learn sign language. I'm diving into that, signing every chance I get, carrying my flash cards in my purse and signing to the kids when I know the signs of the words I'm speaking. I have no idea why God has placed this desire to learn in my heart, but it's strong and has been building over time, so I'm going with it :-). We shall see how He chooses to use it.
I'm also looking for social outlets. Church in the Park was my life for the last two years and while I still am incredibly passionate about CITP, and throw myself into it every chance I get, I am no longer in leadership there. I stepped down from clothing when I got sick and have opted not to take back my position in clothing because I feel God leading me to serve in other areas of Church in the Park. The fall back of that decision, however, is that my work in clothing provided me with my mid-week social contacts, when we sorted clothes, and when I did clothing pickups. Now I need to find another way to fill my need for social contact. I'm hoping to join a mid-week Bible study at either Big Valley Grace or Shelter Cove, but I'm not sure yet.
Right now, the world is my oyster, so many opportunities to choose from. Life is exciting and inviting and full of joy and beauty. Praise the Lord for second chances!

WOW! I came on here today because I wanted to type a new blog post, and instead ended up reading my last two posts. I sit here in awe because I was feeling really frustrated that I had slid back some, back into my anxiety over the last week, but then I read those posts and realized how far I have come in the last month and I can't help praising God for His goodness and faithfulness! I can't believe that only a month ago, my body was still giving me fits and I was unable to drive. Today, I don't give a second thought to whether or not I'll be able to walk, or whether I will go into a seizure. I am completely med free (except for a sleeping pill I took last night and the night before), and even though my depression and anxiety are still a huge part of my life, I am functional and can shove them aside for awhile when life demands it. Yesterday, I realized that a feeling I used to have regularly had returned. I don't know if I can describe it well enough for all of you to understand, but it's a feeling of restrained laughter, that at any moment, the laughter that is welling up inside my chest will come out in a full on burst of giggles :-).
It's funny, really, to look back over the last year and a half. If I had met me a year ago, I would think of myself as a very sad and depressed person, but truly, at my core, I am not. I love life with everything in me. But this year, the pain, guilt, shame and stress of life piled up on me so heavily that the laughter that lives inside of me got smothered. It is so nice to throw off the bricks of depression one or two at a time and give that joy some air again!