WOW! I don't even know where to start, or how to word what it is that is going through my head right now. I'm sitting here, staring at the computer not knowing what to say because tonight, I made a life-changing realization. It's funny because it's one of those things that I probably would have told you I knew before tonight, but tonight the reality of it hit me and I'm sitting here feeling light, and free, and, well, sort of unsure of what to do with myself without the heaviness of the burden that has been weighing me down for the last two years. Let me see if I can explain.
I am naturally co-dependent. It requires effort on my part to not feel responsible for other people's feelings and for the circumstances of their lives. However, I usually make a conscious effort to remind myself that I am not responsible for other people's happiness and do not allow their unhappiness to ruin my life. For some reason, however, I missed it in one of my friendships. I just didn't see it! I took upon myself my friend's happiness and set out on the roller coaster ride of my life! We'll call this friend Hank for the purposes of this blog because I don't actually know any Hanks in real life. Oh, wait, yes I do, but he's just an acquaintance that I see only every few months, so you can rest assured that I'm not actually talking about Hank. Or maybe I should call her Sophie. Why Sophie? Well, I don't know. Why not?
For two years, when Sophie (aka Hank) was happy, I felt content and happy and satisfied. When she was upset, angry, lonely or sad, I felt responsible, down in the dumps, inferior and a failure. I cannot tell you what it was about tonight that made me finally see that her loneliness/unhappiness is not my burden to bear, but for some reason, the blinders just fell off my eyes and I became aware of the fact that HER choices that have led her to where she is now and I cannot change those, nor can I live her life for her. She decides if she wants to get close to other people or would rather isolate herself in her work and ministry. She decides if she wants to spend her evenings alone or with friends. She decides if she wants to trust others and open up or guard everything she has close to her chest. I cannot change her, and I cannot cure her loneliness no matter how hard I try because her loneliness is of her own making. I will always be her friend, but I've finally realized that I CANNOT be her savior and what a freeing realization that is!