Musings

I'm in a pondering mood today. You know, one of those what is the meaning of life kind of days. Well, not exactly to that extent, but I am deep in thought. What I don't understand, what frustrates me today is how I can truly think I believe something only to have my feelings and actions deny what I thought I believed. Take, for example, my belief that my value lies in God alone, in the fact that I am a creation of God, bought by the blood of Christ, completely and fully forgiven and adopted into the family of God. I believe that with all of my being. So why, when someone makes comments that put me down, when someone tells me that I am inferior, not up to par, less than perfect, do I get upset? Why do I doubt myself and who God made me to be? Why do I put that person's opinions above those of the God of the Universe? I truly do not understand that. Perhaps it is because the idea that my value lies in Christ alone is a new one to me. Perhaps it is because for my entire life I have tried to measure up, to live up to what I thought other people wanted me to be, to fit in and so even though I have finally realized the futility of that, my initial response is to respond negatively to criticism and to believe it.
I realized something very interesting today. For the entire duration of my marriage, I have always seen Jason as superior to me. Not because he acted like it, or told me he was by any means, but I always felt really small, especially at times when we disagreed. So today we talked about it. Jason views me as his equal and he wants and values my opinion on everything so why do I feel inadequate? Why do I feel like I have less to offer than he does? I finally realized why today. God made me a very emotional person. I feel things with such intensity that it can be overwhelming at times. I will cry with a complete stranger because I truly do feel their pain. Many times, I have opinions about things because of how I feel. It may not always be logical or rational, but it is very real to me. Jason, on the other hand, is incredibly logical. Everything is part of a puzzle and one just has to make the pieces fit together. Everything can be understood logically and when it can't, he will study it from every angle until he can make it logical. Neither approach is right. Neither approach is wrong. We are just opposites and end up complementing each other beautifully because where he is weak, I am strong and vice versa. I realized today, however, without even knowing it, I had given logic much more value than emotion. In my mind, I was defective by being emotional and he was superior by being logical. When I finally realized this, we were able to work out a way to discuss things that works for both of us and I was able to remind myself that God made me this way, just as He made Jason the way he is. My emotions, my feelings have just as much to offer the world as Jason's logic. What a freeing concept!