I had my second visit with the psychiatrist this morning, after a month on Effexor. It went ok, I suppose. She told me to continue on Effexor and up the dose once a month when my depression worsens due to my cycle. She also prescribed Xanax on an "as needed" basis to help with any reoccurrance of panic attacks.
I don't really know how to feel about all this. I'm really overwhelmed right now, with the likelihood of Jason losing his job, yet knowing that God has it all under control. I'm not afraid that we won't be ok, but I don't even have a clue what next week will look like, let alone next month or next year and the unknown has me unsettled.
And I'm tired of this journey to mental wellness. It's exhausting. I'm tired of fighting every day to retrain my thoughts, to reshape my thinking. I'm tired of never knowing from one day to the next if it's going to be a "good" day or a really hard one. And I'm SO tired of the negative voices in my head telling me I am worth nothing, that I am a burden to my friends and loved ones and that I am not worth the air I breathe. I am so tired of having to fight those thoughts over and over and over again.
I know it will get easier. I know that the more times I put the Truth to the lies, the fewer times the lies will return. And I will continue to fight. I will not quit. And I will come out of this valley stronger than ever, with a deeper and better knowledge of my Lord and Savior and that is worth all of the struggles in the world!
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