It has been three days today since I have had a suicidal thought. While that may not seem like long at all, to me it is monumental! It gives me hope. I'm still tired and have very dark circles under my eyes, but my head is relatively clear and my heart doesn't constantly hurt. I do not feel like I am always fighting with myself, trying to overcome the suffocating darkness of depression. And for two nights now, I have slept without the aid of sleeping pills and have slept the entire night through. Another huge deal for me!
What I have found interesting, however, is that as my depression has started to lift, my anxiety has not. My hands still shake almost constantly. My jaw is clenched and my head has a dull ache. I think part of that is because I am mentally stealing myself again another crash, another meltdown, another drop back into the darkness. If this anxiety does not let up, I will definitely bring it up to the psychiatrist on the 13th when I see her again. But I'm also clinging to a quote I read from Neil Anderson. He wrote: "Fear of anything other than God is mutually exclusive to faith in God." God has faithfully brought me through this journey to this point and whether there are more dark times ahead or not, I know that God will continue to walk beside me and carry me through.
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