Never will I leave you

“Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you.”
“Lord! You promised! You PROMISED!! Why am I so alone?! Where ARE you? Why have you left me all alone?”
Silence.
“GOD!!!!” My chest hurts. My heart's breaking for the thousandth time. Tears stream down my face as sobs shake my body. “GOD!!!” I pick up my pillow to stifle my screams of desperation and rage. Can't have the neighbors calling the police. “GOD!!!!!” I scream again and again and again. My throat hurts. My chest hurts. My head hurts. My sinuses hurt. I have cried so many tears that I am dehydrated and parched. Yet still they flow with no end in sight. Tissues cover the floor and the silence continues to fall heavily upon my ears.
“No! Not again. No way. Huh uh. Not a chance. No. I have asked them to pray too many times. They are going to get sick and tired of me and then I will be completely alone. No. I refuse.” The tears continue to pour from my eyes and my chest continues to heave with the sobs. The darkness in my brain settles in thickly and I cannot think. I want this to end. I can't do this anymore. I can't fight this anymore. I will end it. Jason will be better off. The kids can get a new mom, a better mom, one who's not so sick all the time, one who has patience and energy and can love them as they deserve to be loved. Yes. That would be better for all involved. I am just a worthless whore anyway, a fraud who claims to have faith but can't get past the pain. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.
I think of ways to end the suffering, weighing the pros and cons, when suddenly a little blond child steals through the fog in my brain and I see the image of my princess. “Mommy” I remember her saying. “Mommy, don't tell Daddy if it will hurt his feelings, but I love you more than I love Daddy.” And as the memory fills my brain, I can almost feel her soft little arms around my neck and feel the moistness of her kiss on my lips. “Oh, God!” I whisper. “I can't leave her. I can't do that to her!” Dejected and humiliated, I pick up my phone and once again, to the four who have shown me complete and unconditional love, I send out yet another text. “Please guys. I can't fight anymore. I need your prayers.” I drop the phone, defeated. Soon, my phone starts to ding.
“I love you.”
“I rebuke these suicidal thoughts in the name of Jesus!”
“Praying”
And the fog in my brain begins to dissipate. Once again, I have the determination to live, to fight this beast of depression, to win this war. And once again, God has used His children to show me that, indeed, He has never left me. He has used my dear friends to remind me that unconditional love does in fact truly exist and that come hell or high water, they will stand by me through this, that the love they have for me does not change when I am down and weak. And this time, as the tears begin to flow anew, they are tears of gratitude for the incredible gift of such dear, dear friends.