Mental illness is definitely a journey of ups and downs, successes and failures, joy and heartache. I often heard that people with mental illness get on medication, feel better and so decide to go off the medications and relapse. I never understood that. Why would someone go off the medications that were making them feel well?
Now I understand. First of all, most medications have side effects and sometimes those side effects can seem worse than the original problem. Second, at least in my case, once I started to feel better, I forgot how bad things were in the beginning, in my pre-medication days. I knew I became suicidal, but I thought that might have been due to circumstances, or hormones, or other such things. I forgot what it was like to live with a fog in my head most of the time. I forgot what it was like to not be able to take myself seriously. I forgot what it was like to strain my friendships to the point that some of them broke because I was not a healthy, functional friend.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have all of my adult life and have finally realized that this is due in large part to a chemical imbalance in my brain. I was put on medication and started doing much better. I am weaning off the medication and struggling again immensely. Why wean off then? In my case, it's because the side effects of the medication I was on (Effexor) at the doses I needed were not something I wanted to live with for the rest of my life. I am weaning off Effexor and trying Pristiq instead. We shall see what happens with that. I am hoping and praying for good results.
To those of you who are reading this who are my friends and my family, those of you who are walking beside me through this, I know it's a drag. I know it stinks when I always need you, when day after day after day after day, I call or text you in tears. I know it can be burdensome when I'm constantly asking for prayers, but I need you right now. There will come a time when I will be back on my feet and I will be able to be there for you. If the medicine works as we hope, that will only be a couple weeks from now. But today, I'm sick. I know that the texts/emails/facebook posts may seem like attention seeking and maybe sometimes they are, but to be honest, I put them out because I'm scared. It's dark in here, in my head, and I need you to tell me that it's going to be ok. I need you to remind me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I need to know, repeatedly, time after time after time, that when I get to the end of the tunnel and the light is shining again, I won't be standing there alone because you are willing to stick through this with me.
I don't like me right now. I don't like living in this head of mine and trust me when I say that if I could change it, I would. But I can't. There is nothing I can do to speed up this process. So please, stick by me. Understand that the real me, the healthy me will be back and please don't leave.
