Limbs flailing. Brain zapping. Heart aching. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. What to do?
I seek the reprieve of sleep, but all I feel is anger. Anger and pain. And I want to give up. Oh, how I want to give up! But not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe tonight. Why carry on? What is the point? I was strong. I laughed and praised and looked at the bright side and it got me nowhere but...here. And where is here? At the end of the life that I knew. At the end of all that was good and pure and happy. God help me! Where are You in the midst of this darkness? The doctors are supposed to know what they are talking about, but they don't. Instead, I am a guinea pig in a laboratory of guess work and I scream but no one hears. Test after test. Trial after trial and in the midst of it all, what? Pain. Oh, I know it's supposed to refine me. I know it's supposed to draw me closer to God, but tonight, it doesn't. Tonight, it does nothing for me except make me completely incompetent and useless. Could someone please let me out of this brain that has become my prison? Please someone let me out of here!!
I'm so sorry Becca. I can't imagine what you are enduring. But God really is the only solution - and it may not solve your earthly troubles, but He is the only one that can give you a real hope (I recognize you "know" this, but it's so hard to to remember sometimes). If this life is what we hope for, we are screwed. But eternity is what we set our hearts & minds on. Cling to that sister. Spend time imagining God's beauty, His gifts for us there, being somewhere pain & difficulty & tears are GONE! Your life will be a testimony to MANY about whether or not eternity is real enough & good enough & whether is is a sure promise of enough to give us joy today. Love you & praying for you!
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