My tremors and spasms have returned. Had a short episode Sunday during Church and a really bad one yesterday. I'm very frustrated. I spoke to my sister Katie, who has MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and she said my symptoms match what was happening to her when MS first started to flare up in her body. I am not scared of the disease per se. Not exactly what I would order for myself if I was the one doing the choosing, but I know God is in control. Where my frustration lies is with the medical aspect of things. I have no idea if I have MS. It's possible. It's also possible I have something completely different. Maybe I'm just having an adverse reaction to the medications I'm on. I'm not usually one to dream of being independently wealthy, but today I do. If I were, I would undergo a whole gamut of tests, MRIs, blood tests, whatever was needed and find out what the heck is going on in this body of mine. But I don't have an unlimited supply of money and I don't want to waste the resources God has given us on pointless tests that will reveal nothing. We've already spent thousands on medical bills over the last couple years and it's getting really annoying.
How do I explain my symptoms to a doctor? Um, yes, doctor, I'm really, really tired. Exhausted as a matter of fact. I will lay in bed super thirsty for half an hour before I will force myself to get out of bed to get a drink. My legs ache. My back hurts. My muscles spasm, sometimes, but not always. My brain...well, it's not really foggy, but it just draws a blank sometimes. I go to get something but then can't remember why in the world I'm in the room I'm in. I'm moody. I'm always an emotional person, but sometimes, like the last couple days, my emotions go nuts and I get frustrated because I can't take myself seriously and neither can anyone else.
I'm scared. I don't know what lies ahead. I do know that God is in control and sometimes my faith is strong, but sometimes I'm tired. And I'm weak, and I feel very, very alone.
Becca, I wish so much that we could add you to Matt's insurance :( I understand about wasting the resources that we have on tests that don't reveal anything. I hope that things get better, that your body adjusts quickly to the medications (if that is what it is) that God would heal your body. He is with you always and in prayer and thought, we are too. I know that doesn't help when you feel alone but I wanted you to know anyway!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Shaana. We do have insurance. Just a high deductible. I shouldn't complain. God has given us the resources to take care of this if need be. He is always faithful to provide. Thanks for your prayers. They mean a lot!
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